The Annals of BelMal Tech
by Izza
Summary: An OFU of the world of the Belgariad and Malloreon. With Miss Cam's permission...I am sorry for the delay. Chapter 15 now up, learning about horses.
1. Default Chapter

The Annals of Bel/Mal Tech  
  
By Izza  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Belgariad or Mallorean characters, they all belong to David and Leigh Eddings. The OFU concept, (including the minis), belongs to the inspired Miss Cam, who has graciously allowed me to use it. The rest is for fun.  
  
In the staff room of The Official Fanfiction University of the Belgariad and Mallorean, (affectionately known as Bel/Mal Tech), Professor Hebbes heard a commotion in the hall that could only indicate one thing, Miz' Iz had returned. He sighed, and started to remove his stacks of papers from the chairs, stuffing them into his case as quickly as possible.  
  
She burst into the room, her first and favorite mini-eldrak, Poldra, perched on her shoulder as usual. Slumping down in her preferred beat up leather chair, she flung her combat boots up onto the table, as Professor Hebbes resignedly moved the pile of applications that had been there. Then, as usual for Miz' Iz, she began to talk.  
  
"Hebbie, I think we're just about ready. The courses are all set up, the replica Stronghold is finished, we've got the ghosts of Maragor quartered there until we need them." She turned to look at Poldra, who was still on her shoulder, shaking a pair of dice next to her ear.  
  
"Not now, luvy, mommy has to talk to Uncle Hebbie. Why don't you go see if Bletira or Chamadar want to play." Poldra hopped to the floor and went out the door, yipping cheerfully to herself.  
  
"Tiny," (Professor Hebbes had known Miz' Iz long before she became Miz' Iz, and was entitled to call her by her previous name), "Do you really think the mini's will be up to it? All they've done for the past few weeks is hold endless euchre tournaments. I'm afraid they've lost their edge."  
  
"Never! Did you see the final game last night? Cherec had Gorlim up against the wall, and nearly had his throat out before Beldin stepped in. They'll be fine. Now, about the cirriculum, you wanted to see me about the poetry class?" She took a sip from the battered coffee mug that was never far from her.  
  
Professor Hebbes looked worried. "Nerina has backed out, and says she would much rather work in the daycare. Mandorallen says that only a Mimbrate has the delicacy to teach poetry to Arends, and he's demanding to have the class."  
  
Miss Iz looked pensive for a moment, then shrugged. "We'll let him have a shot at it. If it gets out of hand, we'll ask Beldin to take a few classes. What else."  
  
"Polgara is demanding to take the first sorcery class. Belgarath says she can have it, if he can have a seminar on "How to Not Kill an Audience with Boredom". Beldin is putting the finishing touches on Philosophy 101, "Does Thinking Make it So?", Barak is ready to go with "Weapons 101, "Right Tool for the Right Job", Poledra assures me Monsters 101, "Basic Defense" is all set up, and then told me not to worry so much."  
  
"What about Kheldar and Sadi?"   
  
"Subterfuge 101, 'The Art of Being Artless'". He looked at her quizzically. "Are you sure about those two?"  
  
"They will be just fine. Have Ce'Nedra and Velvet come up with a name for Women's Studies yet?"  
  
"There's still some tension there. Ce'Nedra wants to call it "I am NOT a Brat!" and Velvet wants to go with "You People Wouldn't Know A Strong Woman If She Bit You On The..."  
  
"I think I'll let Polgara deal with those two. She's calling her seminar "10 Ways You Show You are a Mary Sue."  
  
"That's it, then. All we need are the students. Who's on pickup anyway?"  
  
Miz' Iz laughed. "Oh, we sent someone that won't seem threatening at all, just to make the impact more impressive when they get here."  
  
Professor Hebbes puzzled. "Relg? Hettar? Lelldorin couldn't get them back here on a bet."  
  
"Oh, no, Hebbie. I sent the person the students don't know at all, but they all want to marry..."  
  
He looked shocked. "Tiny, you didn't send..."  
  
"Oh yes, Eriond is very anxious for this semester to start...." 


	2. The Goddess of What?

The Annals of Bel/Mal Tech  
  
By Izza  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from the Belgariad or Mallorean. They are the property of David and Leigh Eddings. Miss Cam is the creator of the Official Fanfiction University concept, and has allowed me to use it.   
  
Chapter Two  
  
The Goddess of What?  
  
Tiffany smiled as she hit the enter key on her computer. Here was another lovely story where she had married Eriond, the lonely God of Angrak, and together they had gone off to make the world a better place. And there had been some good bits in there about how Zakath had said she was more beautiful than Cyradis. Maybe the part about her having a missing bit of the Orb of Aldur in a ring was a bit much, but it fit in the story so well.  
  
It was late, and she lay her head down on her arms for just a minute, while she wondered how long it would take for the reviews to start coming in. Her friend Polamber had promised to look for it as soon as she could. Polamber was always writing stories about Silk, but Tiffany preferred Eriond...  
  
A flash of light startled her awake. As she tried to focus her eyes, she saw a blonde young man, smiling at her. He seemed to glow faintly. She closed her eyes and looked again. He was still there.  
  
"Okay, I'm dreaming. You can't be, like, Eriond. He's only in the books."  
  
His smile widened, and her heart started to melt. "So, have you read all the books?" he asked her gently.  
  
"Well, some of them. And now you're here. It's like, a dream come true."  
  
"Yes" he told her, and there was something in his smile that she didn't quite understand. "I've come to take you to a place where you will fit right in. All you have to do", he said abruptly, "is fill out these forms."  
  
She took them from him, noting that as they left his hand they stopped glowing. She read them over quickly and filled them out. If this was a dream, she was going to ride it as long as she could. The questions were strange, until she realized that they related to the world of the Mallorean. Her race, Angarak, of course. Was that how you spelled it? She could never remember. Special powers, parentage, aliases, she zipped through them all, and then handed them back to Eriond. He looked them over, and put them in a black leather briefcase she hadn't noticed before. A god with a briefcase?  
  
"Alright then, Tiffany." He held out his hand. "Come with me to a place you've never even dreamed of."  
  
Her heart thumping, she held out her hand to the young god. She trembled a bit as she felt him grip it firmly, and the world exploded into light.   
  
"Tiffany? Tiffany Lane?" Someone was shaking her by the shoulder.  
  
"Not now, Mom, I'm having a great dream."   
  
"Wake up, Tiffany." Her mother never spoke with iron like that in her voice. Tiffany opened an eye.  
  
She was in a large room, filled with young people wearing the strangest outfits she had ever seen. Most were talking, waving their arms around and looking terrified. She looked around for Eriond, but he was nowhere to be seen. The person shaking her was visible, though. She was tall and breathtakingly beautiful. Her outfit of black leather gave Tiffany an idea.  
  
"You, you're Vella, aren't you?"  
  
"Smart girl. Now, take this, it's your course outline, room assignment, so on and so on. You'd better get moving; it's getting crowded in here.  
  
"But, Eriond, he said, he was there, I don't understand!" Tiffany wailed.  
  
Vella pulled Tiffany to her feet. "Look here, girl, I wouldn't waste time waiting for Eriond. I'm only here as a favour to him, and you're lucky you didn't get Beldin for your transition assistant. Now I'm only going to say this once, so pay attention. You have written bad fanfiction. You are at the Official Fanfiction University of the Belgariad and Mallorean. We call it Bel/Mal Tech. You will learn how to write good fiction that doesn't rip us all out of character and make us look foolish. You can not leave, and the sooner you realize this, the better. Now get to your room, and look over your lists. I have work to do." With that, Vella turned and looked for the next name on her list. "Torak's teeth" she hissed. "Vellana! Vellana! Where are you, I want a word with you."  
  
Tiffany looked down at the stack of papers in her hand. Class list, reading assignments, dorm facts. It felt real. She looked up and saw a tall blonde man with a ponytail to his waist calling out dorm numbers and pointing. She made her way over to him.  
  
"Excuse me, but I think there's some mistake." He looked down at her.   
  
"And you are?" he asked.  
  
"Tiffany Lane. You see, I wrote a story called the Goddess of Angrak and Eriond came to me.."  
  
"The Goddess of what?" he interrupted her.  
  
"The Goddess of Angrak. I had a ring made out of the Orb"  
  
He held up his hand. "Don't tell me any more. Please. What dorm are you in?" He looked at her paper. "Go that way, up the stairs to your left, and to the end of the hall." He turned to a woman in a green plaid kilt and combat boots who was standing on a table, directing students. Some sort of small monster was on her shoulder, shuffling a deck of cards. Tiffany thought it looked a little like an ape bear, but she wasn't sure.  
  
"Tiny!" he yelled, waving his arm. She looked over.  
  
"Yes, Professor Hebbes?" she called back  
  
"Incoming mini. Goddess of Angrak!"  
  
"Goddess of what?"  
  
"Angrak!"  
  
"Oh, for the love of Mike!" she yelled. "Make a note of the creator, I'll want a word with her later."  
  
"Will do, Miz' Iz!" he called back. Then he turned back to Tiffany. "I'd try and get some sleep, Miss Lane. She takes her mini-eldrakyn very seriously. And welcome to Bel/Mal tech." He turned to the short red-haired girl who was screaming at him.  
  
Tiffany sighed and went the way he had indicated, finding her dorm room at the end of a long hall. Her roommate hadn't arrived yet, so she put her pile of information on the desk, and went to look out the window. There was a large forest, with something very big and very dark flying over it. Turning from the window, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. And then Tiffany began screaming. 


	3. Welcome

The Annals of Bel/Mal Tech  
  
Disclaimer: David and Leigh Eddings own all the characters from the Belgariad and Mallorean. Miss Cam is the creator of the OFU concept.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Welcome to Hell/Mal Tech  
  
Tiffany woke suddenly, at the sound of a huge crash. She opened her eyes to the sight of Miz' Iz calmly striding in the room. Her little monster was not on her shoulder, but beside her, yipping at another monster, who was yipping back with attitude. Tiffany's roommate backed up against the wall at the sight, pulling the blanket to just below her eyes.  
  
"Miss Lane, I presume" Miz Iz said calmly. Tiffany nodded, her eyes wide as the small monster with attitude jumped up on her bed.  
  
"I wanted to introduce you to the Goddess of Angrak. Poldra, here has explained things to her, but I think you should appreciate just what you've done." She swung Poldra back up to her shoulder.  
  
"What.." Tiffany closed her eyes, then tried again. "What is it?"  
  
"This, my darling girl, is a mini-eldrak. Every time one of you writes a story more and more are created. This one is rather special though." Miz' Iz reached out to scratch the Goddess behind the ear. "Mini-edlrakyn are not mindless animals, and this one thinks she is the goddess of Angrak. I've had quite a time explaining to her that she can't have the other minis worshipping her. If she continues to insist, I may have to find someone for her, do you understand me?"  
  
Tiffany swallowed hard and nodded. The Goddess of Angrak was now removing Tiffany's pillowcase, and she had no desire to stop her.  
  
"I'm glad we've cleared that up. Now, come along, Goddess; let's see if we can find some more yummies for you. I suggest you girls get ready for breakfast. Now." Miz Iz left the room, the minis yipping happily at her.  
  
"What was all that?" Tiffany's roommate asked, still hiding behind her blanket.  
  
"Professor Hebbes told her I created the mini-eldrak. He said she was very serious about them. I can't believe all this, it's not even dawn yet. How am I going to get out of here?"  
  
"I'm Polamber, by the way" the roommate said. "Eriond said I was coming to a place where I would fit in, and I asked if I would meet Prince Kheldar, and he said I would, and I woke up in this nightmare, with Miz Iz and that monster of hers telling me to get a move on, and I'm scared."  
  
"Polamber? No way! I'm Tiffany! It's great to meet you finally. You've been so nice to me."  
  
"No way!"  
  
"Yes way!"  
  
"But you said you had just dyed your hair blonde, and now it's black."  
  
"Remember the question about race on the forms? I put down Angarak. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw myself last night. How about you?"  
  
"Drasnian, what else. Did you hear what they were saying about Miz Iz last night?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, I hear she's crazy, she doesn't sleep, and that she and Professor Hebbes, who is kind of cute, with all that hair, are, well, you know, involved. "  
  
"I can't believe it!"  
  
"I heard it from a girl named Heather, she's been here for a day already, and she said she saw Professor Hebbes carrying Miz Iz piggyback down the hall, and the pair of them were laughing like crazy people. What's your class list like?"  
  
"I have Women's Studies, Sorcery, Weapons, Basic Religion, Subterfuge and Philosophy. How about you?"  
  
"I've got the same. Have you looked at the seminar list? 'This is a Horse', Cultural Conditions in Nyissa, How Not To Talk To A God."  
  
Tiffany shuddered and started to get ready for her day. "Don't mention gods. Did you see that horrid little thing steal my pillowcase?" She looked at herself in the mirror. Once the shock had worn off she had to admit she liked the look. Angular dark eyes, black hair, it suited her. Better than the muddy brown hair and eyes she usually had. And maybe today she would get a chance to talk to Eriond.  
  
She and Polamber made their way to the dining hall where a short red-haired girl waved them over. "Polamber, bring your friend." she called.  
  
"Tiffany, this is Xynthie. She's a Dryad."  
  
"Hi, Tiffany. Don't get me started on the whole Dryad thing, Polamber. I'm normally 5 feet 8 inches, and now look at me. They shrunk me!!! I can't function at this height, I barely come up to Professor Hebbes waist, and Eriond won't even be able to see me!!! And this hair is crazy. Frizzes up like you would not believe, and I don't have any conditioner."  
  
"The colour is nice," Tiffany said, when Xynthie stopped to breathe. "Do you write Eriond stories too?"  
  
"I used to. Now I don't think so. And I nearly stepped on one of those awful monsters and that evil Miz' Iz saw me and told me to report to the daycare. What on earth can be in the daycare? Not more monsters? I tell you I am getting out of this place if it kills all of us."  
  
"But what if you get out and you are still a Dryad?" Polamber asked, helping herself to more pancakes.  
  
"I'll join the freak show. Do you know what Dryads eat?" Xynthie looked longingly at the bacon. "Vegetarians, every last one of them. And no wine. I don't think I can take a year of this."  
  
"I think the vegetarian thing is cultural," interjected a tall dark haired girl beside Xynthie. "Ce'Nedra is a Dryad, and she was eating chicken and things."  
  
Xynthie brightened. "Do you think so?" she asked eagerly, reaching for a slice of bacon. She bit into it and sighed with delight. "Oh, I was terrified it was going to make me sick."  
  
The dark haired girl shook her head. "Never be afraid to try." She turned back to her breakfast.  
  
After their meal they all made their way to the lecture hall. Tiffany noticed Polamber smiled when she saw Professor Hebbes surrounded by Dryads and directing them to seats in the front. Tiffany, Polamber and Xynthie sat down near the back. Miz Iz was already at the podium, Poldra happily sitting on her head. Tiffany wondered if she realized how ridiculous she looked. Then she stopped thinking about Miz Iz all together when she saw who was seated behind her. That beautiful lady with the white lock must be Polgara. The seedy looking man, (who's wardrobe was almost as bad as Miz Iz's) had to be Belgarath, and the dwarf beside him Beldin. Belgarion sat at the end of the row, and beside him, there he was, Eriond. Tiffany took a deep breath. If she could look at Eriond every day, maybe this would be worth it. Somehow she would manage to get to know him, and then...  
  
Miz Iz's voice cut into her daydream. "Welcome to Bel/Mal Tech. In case anyone is still wondering why you are here, let me enlighten you." She reached up and removed Poldra from her head, seating her on the podium, where Poldra started swinging her legs.  
  
"Everyone enrolled here has written at least one terrible fanfiction. We are here to teach you the proper way to tell a story. You will learn how the world of the Belgariad works. You will learn how to treat characters that exist. You will learn proper dialogue, and to respect marriages. And by the end of this year you will understand why the Eddings universe works the way it does."  
  
Miz' Iz's smile became terrifying. "Oh, yes, you will learn." she said, chillingly. "Now, before I introduce some of our instructors, I want to lay down the ground rules. Number one, no student is to come within 10 feet of the staff area. If you need to speak to an instructor, make arrangements after class. If it is an emergency, you may report it in the lounge, and someone will investigate. And don't think you can sneak in." She looked at a group of Drasnian girls who were whispering   
  
"Number two, we don't want to hear what you consider fair. A fair is something with cows that you go to in the fall. There is no complaints department. And number three, no; you don't get to use sorcery outside of class. Or for those of you who put down your race as god, too bad."  
  
"Now, for those of you who don't know me, I am Miz Iz, the course coordinator. If you feel you must complain to someone, come and see me. At the back of the auditorium is my esteemed colleague, Professor Hebbes. Do not make the mistake of thinking he is softer than I am, he has been known to win two out of three with our weapons instructor, Barak."  
  
Miz Iz indicated the instructors. "This is the Lady Polgara. She is to be referred to as 'Lady Polgara' or 'my Lady'. Do not call her Aunt Pol. She is not your Aunt, nor is she your mother. Beside her is Belgarath. Not Old Wolf, or Mr. Wolf. Belgarath. Next to him is Beldin. As Philosophy is mandatory for first year students, you will all have the opportunity of attending his excellent class. At the end of the row is His Majesty, Belgarion, King of Riva. He did not fall off the turnip wagon last week, no matter what you may think. And of course, Eriond." A collective sigh went up from the students.  
  
"In closing, I urge you all to take this opportunity to spend this next week getting to know each other and the familiarize yourselves with the University. How hard this year will be depends on you. But, to reiterate, you will learn.  
  
"Now, if those students who have daycare duty will line up on the left wall, the rest of you are dismissed."  
  
Xynthie looked at Polamber and Tiffany. "Well," she said, "wish me luck. I am terrified of what's down in that daycare. I'll catch up with you at dinner".  
  
"Well, that wasn't much fun." Polamber said, as they watched Xynthie line up with the others. "I haven't even seen Silk yet."  
  
"Maybe we'll find him somewhere on the grounds. Let's go check things out." And Tiffany and Polamber stepped out of the lecture hall and into the sunshine. 


	4. Disorientation week

The Annals of Bel/Mal Tech  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Belgariad/Mallorean characters, they are the property of David and Leigh Eddings. Miss Cam is the brilliant creator of the OFUM, and has kindly allowed me to use her concept. The rest is just for fun.  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Dis-Orientation Week  
  
Finding the elusive Prince Kheldar wasn't easy, as Polamber soon found out. She dragged Tiffany past the stables, through the library, and was heading for the forest when Tiffany finally stopped her.  
  
"Polamber, let's look at this logically. Silk is a spy. He's the best right? We might even have gone past him today and not recognized him. You're the Silk expert, now think. If this was one of your stories, where would he be?"  
  
Polamber drew herself up. "If this was one of my stories, he would have, well, he would have," she paused "I don't know. Usually he's in trouble and I ride up and save him."  
  
Tiffany looked at her. "I think I'm beginning to see the problem. Think, Polamber, think. What does he like to do?"  
  
Polamber looked perplexed. "I think he likes to make money, and maybe drink, and I'm sure he likes to sneak around."  
  
Tiffany rolled her eyes. "Look, let's go back to the lounge and see if anyone has seen him, or has any better ideas. I saw what was flying over that forest, and I'm not going in it."  
  
Polamber reluctantly agreed, and they headed to the lounge. Polamber went to find Heather, while Tiffany sat down beside the dark haired girl who had sat near them at breakfast. She was reading a fat book and Tiffany noticed the title.  
  
"What's the 'Rivan Codex'?" she asked. The dark girl looked up.  
  
"It's fascinating. I found it in my room. Would you believe that this is full of information on all the histories and cultures of the Belgariad and Mallorean? Who knew there was something like this?"  
  
"I didn't, or I get the feeling I wouldn't be here now. I'm Tiffany, by the way."  
  
"I'm Zandara."  
  
"What are you in for?" Tiffany asked.  
  
"Near as I can tell, it was the story where Hettar meets a Murgo girl who changes his mind about Murgos, once he falls in love with her."  
  
Tiffany shrugged. "Doesn't sound that bad to me."  
  
"How about you?" Zandara asked.  
  
"It was either the ring made from a piece of the Orb, or the Goddess of Angrak."  
  
"Ooh, I met her today. Beastly little thing."  
  
Polamber came over to them with Heather, who had her arm in a sling. "Has anyone seen Xynthie?" she asked.  
  
"No, what happened to you?" Tiffany asked Heather.  
  
Heather, a tall, blonde, buxom girl, who had obviously written Alorn down as her race, shuddered. "Kitchen duty," she said.  
  
"How can you break your arm in the kitchen." Zandara asked, putting aside her book.  
  
"She saw Garion." Polamber said, patting Heather's shoulder.  
  
"Garion broke her arm?" Zandara exclaimed.  
  
"No," Heather said sadly, " I thought if I could touch the Orb he would see that I was his true love, but before I could get to him, there was a blinding flash of light, and I ended up in the sink, with my arm broken. Stay away from Garion. It's not worth it."  
  
"Did you see Polgara?" Tiffany asked.  
  
"Oh yes. She set my arm. And you know how in the books they talk about her medicine tasting awful? They weren't kidding. And her bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired. She kept muttering about how she'd protected the Rivan line for thousands of years, and she wasn't going to be stopped now."  
  
Tiffany and Zandara looked at each other with growing horror. Then Tiffany heard a small voice behind her.  
  
"Please, someone shoot me." She turned around to see Xynthie, staggering to a chair, totally disheveled and with the beginnings of a black eye.  
  
"What on earth is in that daycare?" Polamber asked, stepping back.  
  
Xynthie moaned. "Twins. Pairs and pairs of twins"  
  
Zandara stared at her. "You don't mean..."  
  
"All of Polgara's underage twins that people have created and given sorcery to are in there. Have you ever seen a 3-year-old who can turn you into a toad? It's not pretty. They've got some Arendish woman in the tallest hat I've ever seen down there, and the twins are all cute and adorable with her. But as soon as we got in the room, chaos! And when we went out to the playground..." Xynthie curled up in her chair and started rocking back and forth.  
  
"It can't be as bad as Polgara's doses." Heather said.  
  
"The mini-eldrakyn came out to play with them. They seem to like volleyball. At least I wasn't the ball. I did have an advantage at first, because I'm so small they thought I was one of them. But when I couldn't produce a twin, it was all over." She pointed to her eye. "I got this when some bright eyed Algar thought we should give them 'horsie' rides. If I find him, he's toast."  
  
Tiffany looked at the others, her eyes wide. Classes hadn't even started yet, and injuries were occurring. What would happen when they did start?  
  
"Girls," Zandara said, looking thoughtful, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." 


	5. Sorcery for Dummies

The Annals of Bel/Mal Tech  
  
Disclaimer: David and Leigh Eddings own all the charming characters from the Belgariad/Mallorean. Miss Cam owns the brilliant OFU concept. I own the rest of the mess.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Sorcery for Dummies  
  
Tiffany was a little apprehensive when she walked into the lecture theatre. Actually she was scared. Right down to her bones scared. Lady Polgara was teaching this class, and Tiffany was trying desperately to think of anything she might have written that would offend her. With all the injuries, Polgara had been in demand, and rumors of her notorious bad temper were flying fast and furious. When an Algar girl named Deldana had tried to join her mind to one of the horses to prove she was Sha-Dar, only to have the horse laugh at her, Polgara had been less than sympathetic. Polamber, who always seemed to have the latest gossip, said that Polgara had upset Deldana more than the horse. Deldana was looking a little wild eyed these days, and left the room quickly when Polgara came in.  
  
As Tiffany settled in beside Polamber, she noticed that the front rows of the theatre were empty. The students were crowded into the back rows, some standing, as if the further away from Polgara they were, the better their chances.  
  
Polgara was smiling as she stepped up to the podium. As one, the students leaned back from that smile. Polgara may have been the most beautiful woman in the world, but her smile terrified them.  
  
"Welcome to the first class of Sorcery 101. You will learn the basics of sorcery, how it is used and when to use it. You will also learn its' limitations, and why it is not always the best solution. Any questions?" There was not a sound from the students.  
  
"Good. Now for your first class, I will be demonstrating some of the basics of sorcery. Please pay close attention. I will need examples, and you, of course will provide them. No need to volunteer, I have a list." She stepped to the front of the platform.  
  
"One of the first manifestations of sorcery is usually translocation." She looked at her notes. "For this demonstration I will require," she looked up, "Bethella." A small squeak issued from a Drasnian girl in the back row. Polgara went on.  
  
"Bethella, who has written a charming tale in which she could fly, will now demonstrate translocation." Polgara made a slight gesture with her hand and Bethella flew up towards the ceiling, at an alarming rate. She stopped just before she crashed and began to spin slowly. Whimpering noises could be heard from her. Polgara then sent her flying across the room in a spectacular series of loop the loops, and brought her down to eye level. Bethella was definitely green at this point.  
  
"Isn't flying wonderful, dear?" Polgara asked, grinning. "And remember, any mess you make you will clean." She then sent Bethella back to her seat, and looked at her notes again.   
  
"Illusion is quite common as well. Though a well thought out illusion seems to be beyond most when they begin. For example, where is Poline? There you are. Now in your captivating story, you had a most interesting illusion where you convinced Prince Kheldar that you were Liselle. No, child, don't hide. I need you down front for this." She gestured again, and Poline was on the platform beside her. Polgara looked her over critically.   
  
"Now, Poline, as you were aware, Prince Kheldar and Margravine Liselle are very well acquainted. I would like you to explain the changes you would make in your appearance to deceive such a close friend. Let's start with your height. Taller? Shorter?" Polgara began to match action to words and Poline began to stretch and then shrink.   
  
"Would you need to add some weight? Loose a few pounds? How about hair colour?" Poline began to shake. "Not to mention, birthmarks, vocal inflection and timbre, there are many many things to consider. The first rule of illusion is 'make it believable'". She shook her head, and gestured slightly at Poline who returned to normal. Polgara dismissed her.  
  
"This brings us to one of the most popular items in sorcery, telepathy. I think every one of you has used it at one time or another, usually to speak to your 'loved one', or for a change, to have your 'loved one' speak to you without you knowing what is going on. This will be a full class demonstration. When you use telepathy without control, the result is something LIKE THIS!" The last two words were not spoken out loud, but screamed at incredible volume in each student's head. A tall Algar boy, his scalp lock past his shoulders, fell down screaming and covering his ears. Most of the students had their hands over their ears, and were shrieking. When the noise died down, Polgara tapped on the podium for attention.  
  
"Are there any questions regarding telepathy? Shall I demonstrate again?"  
  
Muffled groans and a few feeble cries of "No, please, Lady Polgara" filled the air. Polgara smiled and referred to the sheet of notes on the podium.  
  
"My, we are learning a lot today, aren't we? Another favorite seems to be the process of speeding things up. For this demonstration, I will need Marden. Ah, there you are. Front and center please." Marden was quickly translocated from the pillar he had be hiding behind. Polgara looked at him.  
  
"Now Marden had an interesting incident where a thief would accelerate things after a burglary to get away. It was the horse that was affected I believe. Now, Marden, I would like you to start jogging in place here, so I can demonstrate the result."  
  
Marden, with terror in his eyes, began to jog. Polgara made a small finger movement, and Marden began to run faster and faster. Soon he was moving at a blur. Polgara regarded him for a few moments, and then slowed him down, but did not let him stop.  
  
"You see, students" she commented, in that quiet, authoritative voice, "accelerating a living being puts tremendous strain on the body's systems. After a short time, the heart will give out." Marden began to gasp. "I believe I have made the point. Father will demonstrate tampering with time during his class, so I think I can dispense with that." There was a small scream from the back of the auditorium.  
  
"Which brings me to the final demonstration of the day. Transformation. Of the self, of others, of other things around you. I have a particular candidate in mind for this demonstration. She knows who she is, the author of that lovely coming-of-age account involving Garion and myself. Only a pig would have written a story like that, and so," she made her gesture, "the demonstration." Where a student had been sitting, there was a very large, very smelly hog. Polgara smiled again. "I've wanted to do that for a while. Notice, class, that the transformation is complete. There is no vestige of human left." She began to tidy her notes. "For your next class I would like a 5,000 word essay on why it is important to learn to do a thing before you do it. Class dismissed."  
  
The students in the back row bolted for the doors, but a few near the student who was now a pig looked puzzled. One raised her hand. "Lady Polgara?" she asked.  
  
"Yes?" Polgara stopped on her way from the platform.  
  
"You, you aren't just going to leave her that way, are you?" The girl waved her hand at the pig.  
  
"Yes, I believe I will. Is that a problem?" Polgara's eyes were steely gray.  
  
"No, no my Lady. It's just that she's my roommate, and..." she broke off.  
  
"And you are?" Polgara asked.  
  
"Cyralyn, my Lady." Cyralyn looked around desperately. "It's not a problem, my Lady"  
  
"Oh, yes. Cyradis' twin sister. Well, I'll speak to Miz' Iz regarding your room arrangements. Anything else?"  
  
"Oh, no, my Lady, thank you!" Cyralyn dropped a small curtsey. Then she and her companions ran out of the auditorium.  
  
Polgara hummed happily to herself as she looked at the pig and continued on her way. 


	6. The Passions of Poldra

The Annals of Bel Mal Tech

Disclaimer: The characters of the Mallorean and Belgariad belong to David and Leigh Eddings. The OFU concept belongs to Miss Cam, who has graciously given me permission to use it. Gandlad is also from Miss Cam, who has allowed me to adopt him. The rest belongs to me.

Chapter 6

The Passions of Poldra

A few days later Tiffany looked over her shoulder to see Polamber running as fast as she could. She reached Tiffany and bent forward, trying to catch her breath. "Tiffany" she panted, "There's been a Silk sighting!"

"You're kidding me, where?" Tiffany asked.

"By the library. There's a bald man walking around and Heather swears it's that Nye-something guy! And where he is, Silk should follow."

"Nye who? Bill Nye the Science Guy?"

"No, no, the one with the snake queen. The cheif unit or something. Come on!"

"Polamber, did you even read the books? The cheif unit? Eunuch. And his name is Sadi." Tiffany was suprised that she had remembered his name, and then realized she had read it in her course outline. Sadi was giving a seminar on pharmacology.

"Whatever his name is, we've got to get over there and see if Silk is really with him." Polamber was panting.

Tiffany held up her hand. "Do we even know what Silk looks like? I thought we had discussed this."

"Please, Tiff, you have to come with me. Heather is back in the kitchen, and Xynthie is still gunning for that Algar." She shuddered. Xynthie had been searching everywhere for the Algar who had suggested the twins play horsie. Tiffany was of the opinion that Zandara had tipped him off, because he seemed to dissapear if Xynthie got within 50 feet of him.

"Okay, you win," Tiffany sighed, heading toward the library. "But don't blame me if it turns out to be another wild goose chase."

As they hurried along, Tiffany struggling with her heavy backpack, they saw something that caused them both to stop dead in their tracks. Poldra, Mis Iz's favorite mini-eldrak wandered in front of them. Instead of growling at them as she usually did, she looked at them almost absently. She had battered red peony behind one ear and had found a paisley scarf that she had tied around her waist, over the small leather vest she wore. The effect was ludicrous. But neither girl felt like laughing. They remembered what had happened to the last girl to laugh at Poldra. With a sigh, Poldra meandered on her way.

"What was that?" Tiffany asked, letting out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding.

"What has she gotten into? It's almost like she's..." Polamber tralied off. The girls looked at each other.

"It couldn't be" Tiffany said, looking after the wandering mini-eldrak. She shook her head.

"Oh, yes it could." Zandara said, coming up beside them.

"I can't imagine anything more horrible than Poldra in love." Polamber said quietly, shuddering.

"You haven't seen the object of her affection then." Zandara said, just as quietly. "He arrived last night. I was in the kitchen when it happened."

"You had kitchen duty? What rule could you have broken?" Tiffany asked, truly puzzled. Out of all the people she had met so far, Zandara was the one who truly wanted to learn and not just break out, or find Hettar.

"Long story. Anyway, this new horror just burst into the kitchen, and started rummaging around for eggs. Poldra was into the bacon, and she saw him and I swear she had little hearts floating around her horns. Miz Iz came in and introduced him as Gandlad. He's a mini-balrog from somewhere called the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth. How's that for scary?"

Polamber looked at her with round eyes full of dread. "What does he look like?"

Zandara considered for a moment and then said. "Well, our mini-eldrakyn aren't on fire, I'll give them that."

Tiffany swallowed. "And does he, well, like Poldra?"

Zandara lowered her voice to a barely audible wisper. "I can't be sure, but I think he was very interested in our Goddess of Angrak"

The three girls shuddered, all thoughts of finding Silk fading from their minds as they considered the consequences of a mini love triangle.


	7. Mistaken Identity

The Annals of Bel/Mal Tech

by Izza

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the David and Leigh Eddings universe. The OFU concept belongs to Miss Cam, who has very kindly allowed me to use it. Proffessor Tolkien owns the LOTR. The rest is me playing.

Chapter 7

Mistaken Identity?

Miz Iz had the music up so loud that Proffessor Hebbes had to shout at her three times. Her office was the usual chaos of papers, old coffee cups, and overflowing ashtrays. She put down the battered copy of The Two Towers she had been reading, turned down the radio and looked up at him.

"I don't think it's a good idea, Tiny." It was the fourth time he'd said it. "You should just go with a straight up, 'this is a sword' class. You know what's been going on since the DVD release. You're even reading Tolkien again."

"Hebbie, you worry too much. Besides, I read Tolkien every year." She held up her book. "See, it's one of the set you gave me for Christmas years ago. Plus, Poldra borrowed my copy of the Silm. And to top it all off, Barak can't seem to get away in time. Something about a grandson. The way I see it, we have a replacement here, why not use him?"

Proffessor Hebbes shook his head. "I still think it's asking for trouble. But you're the boss. And do I even want to know why Poldra has the Silm?"

Miz Iz thought for a moment. "No, I don't think you do."

Tiffany was heading to weapons class with Zandara. Zandara was filling her in on what to expect from Barak.

"So I don't think he'll be _mean_." she said, tying her hair back into a ponytail. "But I do think he'll be _thorough, _if you know what I mean."

Tiffany rolled her eyes back in her head. "The way Lady Polgara is thorough?"

They both shuddered. As they reached the gym, they noticed the class seemed to be larger than usual. Polamber rushed up to them.

"You'll never guess what's happened!" she exclaimed, almost trembling with excitement. "Barak can't make our lesson today, so we have a guest instructor. Megan saw a tall blonde with Miz Iz earlier, and you would not believe how many girls are crammed in here to see him." She took a deep breath. "I'm going to love archery!" she squealed , and ran back over to Heather and Megan.

"That girl has got to slow down." Tiffany muttered. She looked over at Zandara who was looking puzzled. "What is it?" she asked. Tiffany was learning to rely on Zandara's instincts.

"I just never thought Lelldorin was that popular. He wasn't on the quest in the Malloreon, and really, he's a bit of an idiot. Nice guy, but not all there." Her eyes went wide. "Tiffany," she said, grabbing her friend by the elbow, "whatever happens in there, stay close to me and the door."

In the gym, Zandara and Tiffany took places near the door, and gave their full attention to Miz' Iz, who was introducing the instructor. After Zandara's warning, Tiffany felt her blood chill at the way Miz' Iz was smiling.

"And so, you are fortunate to start your weapons training with the best archer in the world. Ladies and gentleman..." The rest of her words were drowned out by cheering as a tall man in green began to walk towards her.

"IT'S HIM!!!"

The blonde archer stopped and looked gratified. "Well, yes, it's me, but..." Whatever else he may have been going to say was swallowed up the mass of female students surging towards him. The shout was full of crazed feminine longing.

"LEGOLAS!!!!"

Tiffany saw Lelldorin's mouth form the word "Who?" before the explosion.

"So tell me again what happened" Polamber moaned, holding an ice pack over her eye.

"Why? You never listen." Tiffany scolded.

"It was incredible." Xynthie said, smiling broadly. What the girls called "her Algar" had been caught in the stampede, and had suffered a broken ankle. Xynthie was pleased, even though she had been trampled in the same crowd and had three of her ribs cracked. To see "her Algar" limping more than made up for it.

Zandara chuckled. "Miz' Iz set that up. Megan should have checked her facts. There is more than one blonde archer in the universe. It was Lelldorin, Garion's friend. He's an Arend. He's also married. But Megan jumped to conclusions, and bang! Everyone thought it was Legolas."

Polamber moaned again. "I know that part. What happened when the lights went out?"

Tiffany looked at her. "The lights never actually went out. All those girls ran into an invisible wall that began to explode where they'd hit it. It was a nice peice of sorcery. And then there was the mob rush for the door, and some die hards went for Lelldorin again. The second time they hit, they were thrown right back to the walls of the gym. Miz' Iz was laughing fit to die."

"It's Megan I feel sorry for" Zandara put in. "All those girls chasing her down. I've got her hidden, but she can't stay under cover for ever." She paused. "Or can she?" She got a faraway look in her eye that the girls had come to call her "heavy thinking" look.

Tiffany was privately thinking that for a Murgo, Zandara seemed to have the mind of a Drasnian, whereas Polamber, who was Drasnian, was becoming more and more Arendish. She was starting to consider if Angarak had been the best choice.


	8. If A Beldin Falls In The Forest

**The Annals of Bel/Mal Tech**

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the Eddings universe. Miss Cam is the brilliant creator of the OFUM. I am but an humble author, enjoying myself.

Thanks to all who have reviewed. It means a lot.

**Chapter 8**

**If A Beldin Falls In The Forest...**

"Tiny!" Proffessor Hebbes shook her by the shoulder, "Wake up!'

"Not now, Hebbie. Orlando is putting another steak on the barbeque, and then we're going sailing." She rolled over on her office couch. "You deal with it."

"You have _got_ to stop the all night Twister games with the minis. Listen, I just got a note from Beldin and he's got an assistant in his philosophy class."

"What's wrong with that?" she mumbled. "The boat is floating away. If I'm not on, I'll kill you."

"It's Belding."

She sat up. "Belding?"

"Well, they have been spending a lot of time together. Belding is, without a doubt, the scariest mini in the place, including the firey Gandlad."

She sighed. "So much for a romantic cruise. But I think this will be one heck of a philosophy introduction."

Polamber and Tiffany were running late for class, and so ended up with seats in the front row. They could easily tell why the rest of the class were cramming against the back wall of the room. The horribly disfigured dwarf at the front of the class was far and away the worst smelling thing either had come across. The mini-eldrak perched on the podium glared at them evilly.

"Welcome to Philosophy. I am Beldin, this is my assistant, Belding." He motioned toward the mini, who growled menacingly. "Before we begin, are there any questions?"

An Arendish boy at the back held up a hand. "Can I open a window?" he asked, waving his other hand in front of his nose.

Belding hopped off the podium, strolled over to the Arend, and to the horror of the class, threw the boy through the window. Then he calmly went back and reseated himself on the podium.

Beldin looked at the mini. "It seems that he can." he remarked calmly. "Now, let's start with the basics, because, frankly, if you can grasp the basics by the end of the year, I will be very suprised. Philosophy is not only the science of asking questions, but asking the right questions. As our friend here demonstrated," he waved toward the broken window, "the question may be more important than the answer." He began to pace in front of the class, each movement intensifying the already overpowering stench.

"Now, for our first class, let us consider. If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one to hear it, does it make a sound?"

"How big of a tree?" someone yelled from the back of the room.

"Why?" Beldin shot back.

"Well, er, because,.."

Belding began yipping at Beldin in that grating voice all the students had come to fear. It meant the mini-eldrak had an idea, and there was nothing in the entire university more frightening than a mini with an idea. It seemed all their ideas ended in pain for students.

Beldin stopped and considered what Belding had said. "You may have a point there." he told the mini. "But that takes the discussion to a whole new level."

Belding began to yip again, and Tiffany noticed a Rivan girl, Estriel, begining to look faint. She pulled a melon flavoured chapstick from her bag and handed it over to her. "Here, " she whispered, "hold this to your nose." Estriel smiled wanly at her.

Beldin and the mini became totally engrossed in their own conversation. The class, overcome with fear and nausea, began shifting in their seats. It caught Beldin's attention.

"Right. Now, all of you, out of here, and I want 10,000 words on todays topic. Any questions?"

Any questions there might have been were drowned out by the sound of fleeing students. Beldin calmly went back to his discussion with Belding, as if they had never been there.

Tiffany, Polamber and Estriel were leaning against the building, taking deep breaths of fresh air, when Zandara and a Drasnian girl they didn't recognize came up to them. Zandara was waving a folded paper fan.

"Well, that was something." Tiffany remarked. "Who's your friend, Zandara?"

"Oh, this is Gil. She's in our weapons class." Zandara told them.

"Really, it's ..." Gil began.

"Too long and complicated. We just call her Gil for short." Zandara broke in, with a significant look at Gil. "I have an idea for next class." she told the other girls.

Estriel was still looking pale. "You know where to get oxygen masks?"

"No, but I think if I whip up a catnip based tea, to fight the nausea, with something strong to fill the nasal passages..." she broke off, thinking.

Polamber was looking at Gil. "I think I know you from somewhere."

"Oh, no, I don't think so, I mean, we've never met." Gil stammered.

"You look familiar." Polamber persisted.

"You haven't met her yet." Zandara said, looking at Polamber. "Now, we've got to go." She grabbed Gil by the shoulder and the two headed off.

"Didn't she look familiar to you?" Polamber asked Tiffany.

"Let it go, Pol." Tiffany told her with a sigh. She was getting a glimmer of an idea of her own.


	9. Poetry, Prithee?

**The Annals of Bel/Mal Tech**

Disclaimer: I own none of the wonderful Eddings characters, or anything in the universe of the Belgariad or Mallorean. Miss Cam is the originator of the OFU concept and has kindly allowed me to use it. The rest I write for fun. I apologise for the delay.

**Chapter 9**

Poetry, Prithee?

Mandorallen looked at Polgara, his blue eyes troubled. "They are but children, Lady Polgara, and female children at that. 'Twould be most unchivalrous to strike them, unarmed, as they stand." Mandorallen was preparing for his first poetry class, and Polgara was afraid that the Mimbrate knight might be too gentle on the students. She had come to make sure he understood exactly what was going on.

"In normal circumstances, m'lord, I would agree with thee." She dropped the archaic speech. "But these are not normal female children. They are playing with our lives in a way that is most distressing."

"Surely, 'tis but for amusement, my lady. They are of tender years, what foul crime could they have committed?"

Polgara looked at the great knight with a mixture of frustration and tenderness. "I didn't want to have to do this. However, my lord, the world knows of thy great love for thy wife, the Lady Nerina."

He blushed slightly. "Yea, my lady, an it hath happened that there have been not a few ballads and songs."

"In the minds of these maidens, the fair Nerina is not thy wife. Nor is her heart that which is most cherished by thee."

Mandorallen looked stunned. "They could not, perchance, think that even I, greatest knight on life, could lift mine eyes to another? Perhaps even to thee?"

"It's worse than that Mandorallen."

"Mayhap they have deceived themselves into thinking that my position as Champion and True Knight to Queen Ce'Nedra would have emboldened me to allow my mind to consider her as most..."

"Mandorallen, they think you are love with Hettar." Polgara said flatly.

The knight went pale. "He, he is a brother, a comrade, I would gladly lay down mine life for him, but this, this had not crossed my mind!"

"I didn't think so. Not only Hettar, Mandorallen, but Durnik, Garion, Silk, even, Aldur help us all, Father." She rolled her eyes. "It greives me greatly to distress thee, my lord, but thy mercy and honour mayhap would have caused thee to spare those least deserving."

Mandorallen shuddered, and looked at Polgara. She was happy to see the light of battle dawning in his eyes. "Fear not, my Lady Polgara, that the compassion that maketh not the smallest part of me, shall distract me from the fulfilment of mine obligations." He smiled at her.

She gave him a fond pat on the arm. "Well said, Sir Knight."

Tiffany sat in the back row of the classroom. She had trouble seeing over the tall conical hats most of the girls in the front were wearing. And never, never in her life, had she seen so much satin. It looked like a prom gone bad. Sir Mandorallen was a few minutes late, and the rustling noise of skirts was starting to get on her nerves.

Mandorallen came in, followed by a lean man in black, and a mini-eldrak. A collective sigh went up from the girls. The knight was beautiful, clear blue eyes and black hair, nobility shining. The Algar had a mean, dangerous look that caused one girl to squeal. Another said, in an audible whisper to her seatmate, "Look, I told you they were together all the time."

Mandorallen took a step toward the girl, and Hettar put out a hand to stop him. "Please, allow me," he said. He looked at the girl. "Your name?" he asked.

"Velladra" she replied.

"Very well. Velladra. Stand, take off that stupid hat, and please recite "Ballad of the Doomed and Noble Love of Vo Mandor".

Velladra looked at him. "I don't know it."

"No? Then perhaps you would be good enough to sing 'Thy Leaving Breaks Mine Heart'".

"I don't know that one either."

"Every Arendish maid over the age of 6 knows that one. There are merely one hundred and twenty six verses." Hettar told her.

"One hundred, twenty seven." Mandorallen added, in a low voice.

"I stand corrected. You, Velladra, will go, now, with Heter." He motioned to the mini-eldrak. "He will instruct you on these two ballads, which you will learn, letter perfect, by the end of class. Dismissed."

Velladra was stunned. "How can I learn them from a mini?" she whined.

Mandorallen grinned. "He is a very persuasive teacher." Heter came up to her and began to drag her out the door. With his free hand, he took a wicked looking knife from his belt. Velladra's screams could be heard as they headed to study hall.

"Now." Mandorallen said, turning to the rest of the class. "It greives mine heart that ye stand in such woeful ignorance of the great ballads and poems that compass the lives of those chosen by the Prophecy. Therefore we shall, with utmost haste, begin to remedy this lack."

A hand went up. "Does this mean we get to hear you sing?" The girl had flowing blonde hair, and a ridiculous hat. "That sounds nice."

"Get thee to the kitchens, wench!" Mandorallen exploded. Hettar looked at him. Mandorallen went on. "Nay, for that would but exacerbate the problem. In this instance, we have prevailled on the good humour of she who lights our class more brilliantly than the sun, she who..." He was interrupted by a knock at the door.

Hettar opened it. It was Vella, the handles of her knives gleaming. "I'll take over now. Listen up," she told the class, "I will start with three ballads today. That should take us to dinner. I will sing each ballad once. Put your hand down. Once, not twice, no going over anything, so pay attention. You will know each ballad by next class." She looked at Mandorallen and Hettar. "You can go, I can handle this."

An Arendish boy in the front row growled in his throat at her. Vella whipped one of her knives out and held it to his ear. "It's going to be hard to hear missing your ears, and harder to recite without a tongue." she told him.

"Yes, yes, m'am" he stammered.

Mandorallen and Hettar slipped out, unnoticed.


	10. Of Trees and Loves

**The Annals of Bel/Mal Tech**

Disclaimer: The characters of the Belgariad and Malloreon belong to David and Leigh Eddings. The OFU concept belongs to Miss Cam.

Chapter 10

**Of Love and Trees**

At the end of the poetry class, Tiffany caught up with Zandara. She was looking across a field to where two large men were battling with swords. Sunllight glinted off their armor, and the sound of steel on steel was frightening.

"What's going on?" Tiffany asked.

"It's Mandorallen and Proffessor Hebbes, I think. Mandorallen needed to blow off some steam. They've been at it for quite a while now. What happened in class?" Zandara asked her friend.

"We had to learn some really long Arendish ballads. All about love and honour and death. Some of it was pretty depressing."

"Do you really think so?" The voice from behind them startled the girls. They turned around. Miz' Iz was standing behind them, Poldra with her.

"Well, yes. I mean, love is supposed to be a happy thing, isn't it?" Tiffany asked.

"Define love, Miss Lang."

"Er, it's when two people want to be with each other, and they make each other happy."

"Is that it?"

"I would think there would have to be some physical attraction." Zandara added.

Miz' Iz shook her head at them. "First lesson, no person can make you happy. That you do on your own. Second lesson, physical attraction has very little to do with it." She looked across the field at the two men fighting. "Third, sometimes the greatest love is never declared. Think about it, girls." Picking up Poldra, Miz' Iz headed across the field.

"What was that all about?" Zandara asked.

"I'm not sure." Tiffany told her. "It was weird, I'll give it that."

The friends headed back to the dining hall. They met up with Xynthie and Polamber, who were full of complaints about their homework.

"I mean, why do I have to know about trees?" Xynthie exclaimed, reaching for a roll. "I'm not a lumberjack. Who cares about how long a pine tree lives?"

"Xynthie? Have you looked at yourself lately? You are a dryad." Tiffany told her, with some surprise.

"Yeah, I know, but I kind of liked the whole living in the woods and no men thing. What's the big deal with the trees? Ce' Nedra doesn't have a tree, and she does alright."

"Xynthie, how long does a dryad live?" Zandara asked innocently.

"As long as her tree." Xynthie told her. "Really, Zandara, I thought you would know that."

"And what kind of tree do you have?"

"Um, I think it's an oak." A look of comprehension was dawning on Xynthie's face.

"How long do oak trees live? Do they get tree diseases? Can you leave your tree for any length of time?"

Xynthie smiled at her. "Okay, I get the point. But why can't I just learn about oak trees. Why all of them?"

"What if you had a cousin?" Tiffany added. "You would need to know about her tree, too."

Polamber shook her head at Xynthie. "I can't believe you didn't understand that, Xynthie. Me, now I have problems. I can't figure out that Philosophy stuff at all. I'm just going to write 'why not' and hand it in."

Tiffany stared at Polamber. "Are you insane? Beldin will eat you alive."

Polamber shrugged. "At least I won't be able to smell him. It's horrible. And Heather tells me..."

Xynthie cut her off. "Not another Heather rumour. I can't take anymore."

"No, this isn't like the Legolas rumour. Besides, that was Megan. By the way, has anyone seen Megan? There's still a herd of girls looking for her, and that nasty Nadrak, Sobella, is heading it. She's taken to sharpening her knives in the lounge." Polamber stopped for a breath. Zandara looked away. "Anyway, Heather says that Beldin and Vella are an item."

"No, that's true." Xynthie said, shaking salt over her plate. "They are a bit more than an item, though. She gave him her knives."

"She's got them back" Tiffany said dryly, looking at Xynthie.

"Zandara, would you explain, please. My pasta is getting cold."

"No, you'll have to do that. What's with the knives?" Zandara asked.

Xynthie sighed, and put down her fork. "Okay, when a Nadrak woman hands her knives over to a man, she's offering her whole self. It's more than just an affair. Think of it as the ultimate commitment. Nadrak women value their independence more than anything. The knives are just the symbol of that independence."

"Where did you get that little gem?" Tiffany asked her.

"It's in the books. Near the end of the second set." Xynthie picked up her fork and went back to her dinner.

"But she's so gorgeous, and he's, well, he's revolting beyond belief." Polamber said, shaking her head.

"Maybe there's more to it than just physical attraction." Zandara said. Her eyes were scanning the room, and she spoke absently. Tiffany looked at her. Xynthie mumbled something through a mouthfull of salad.

"Is she blind?" Polamber asked with a smirk.

Xynthie swallowed. "She said he can fly. Who knows why anyone wants anyone else? Me, I want dessert. Anyone want chocolate cake?"

"Your Algar is over there, Xynthie" Tiffany said.

"His name is Ram-Dorn." Zandara said, obviously not seeing whoever she was looking for. "Are you going to try to kill him with the cake server?"

"Ram-Dorn? You are kidding, right?" Xynthie's eyes were blazing. "Cake server wouldn't hurt enough. Is he still limping?" She was hopping up and down in an effort to see him.

"Xynthie, think about Eriond. Would Eriond want you to kill him?" Tiffany asked.

"Yes. Besides, this isn't about Eriond anymore. I'm more interested in making Ram-Dorn cry." She turned to Zandara. "Is that really his name?"

"I wouldn't make something like that up, Xynthie." Zandara told her.

"See you around, ladies." Xynthie said, leaving the table. She made her way to the dessert line.

"What does she mean, this isn't about Eriond anymore?" Tiffany asked. Polamber looked at her. "She was Eriond crazy when she got here. What happend?"

"It was the three dryads. You didn't hear about it? Well, three of them snuck up on him."

"He let them sneak up on him, he's a god." Zandara put in.

"Anyway, they jumped on him, yelling that he was their god, and it was his duty to love the dryads, since there weren't any males, and there was a blazing white light, and all their hair burned off. Eyebrows, eyelashes, everything." Polamber continued.

"They look like midget Nyissans." Zandara said. Polamber glared at her.

"Anyway, Xynthie took one look at them and said no man was worth that, god or no god."

Tiffany smiled.


	11. Stories with Belgarath

The Annals of Bel/Mal Tech

Chapter 11

Stories with Belgarath

Professor Hebbes stepped carefully over empty mugs and scattered playing cards as the music blared. He had a meeting with Miz Iz, but she was not in her office. The sole occupant of the untidy room was a dejected looking Poldra. She had her back to him, but he could see the tattered remains of a paisley scarf drooping sadly from one of her horns. Even by the loose standards of the mini-eldrak, she looked disheveled. Professor Hebbes had seen the mini-eldrakyn ecstatic, enthusiastic, and downright vicious, but he had never seen one in the depths of sorrow as Poldra appeared to be.

"Hebbie!" Miz Iz's voice came to him over the din. "Sorry I'm running late." She stopped for a moment and cocked her head to the side. "Is that Leonard Cohen?"she shouted at him, looking puzzled. Then she saw Poldra and her eyes widened.

"Poldra," she shouted, crossing the room to turn off the stereo. Poldra turned her head slightly to look at her, and cheeped disconsolately. Miz Iz picked her up and hugged her.

"Baby girl. You have got to get a hold of yourself. Look at you. It's pathetic." Miz Iz gently removed the remains of the scarf. "I heard you even let that Drasnian girl sneak up on Velvet. Not that Velvet couldn't handle it, but that kind of thing will damage your reputation. You are the toughest mini-eldrak in the place." Poldra made a disagreeing noise.

"Yes, you're right. Belding is scarier. But you just can't let yourself go like this. You need to get out and get some exercise. Wouldn't you like to play with Chamlar? He's got a girl who claims she's Salmissra and tried to poison Polgara." Poldra shook her head.

"I know what you need. We're going to go on an overnight to the Stronghold to deal with ghosts. Won't that be fun? . The mini-eldrak replied with a half-hearted shrug. Miz Iz gave her a gentle shake and set her on the floor. "You run down to the kitchen and get some bacon, luvy. And remember what we talked about. No more Leonard Cohen, no more Evanescence, and for goodness sake, no more Barry Manilow. I can't take 'Copacabana' one more time." She sighed as Poldra made her way out the door.

"What is wrong with her, Tiny? She's never been like this." Professor Hebbes asked, sitting down on the couch.

"It's the whole Gandlad thing, Hebbie. She took one look at his fiery self and that was it for her. Unfortunately, he seems to have a thing for the Goddess, and Poldra is in the depths of despair. The only good thing I can see about this is she's just about through the weepy stage. Next will come rage. Then she'll be back to normal. Would you believe I caught her in here, composing bad poetry and listening to Patsy Cline?"

Professor Hebbes shook his head sadly. "I never thought it of Poldra. She always seemed so independent."

"Love is a funny thing, Hebbie." Miz Iz said softly. Then she sat down behind the huge desk, moved a Twister mat out of the way, and picked up a file. "What do we need to deal with today?"

Tiffany was trying to grasp the intricacies of Angarak religious practices when Polamber came up behind her.

"Have you heard the latest, Tiff?" she asked, flopping into the chair beside her.

Tiffany groaned. "Not another rumor. What, this time we have to recite the Book of Alorn while swinging a sword from the back of a horse? We have to walk hundreds of miles with only one pair of shoes? Another celebrity teacher?"

"No, no, we are going on a field trip. To somewhere called the Stronghold. I don't know exactly when though. Heather didn't have that part. And guess what? Silk is going to be there."

"Polamber, I'm beginning to think Silk is a myth. We haven't seen him at all since we got here. And since Velvet got her hands on that Drasnian girl, well, I'd leave him alone if I were you. Have you seen her? I've seen rocks that were less determined than Velvet." Tiffany closed her Codex. "We'd better get going. We have Belgarath next class."

"At least we don't have to worry about him turning us into things. That pig from Polgara's first sorcery class is still running about. I saw two of the minis chasing her not long ago." Polamber shuddered.

Tiffany did not share her friend's confidence. "I think Belgarath may be the scariest of all."

They made their way to the lecture hall where they found seats near Zandara. "Where's Xynthie?" Tiffany asked her.

"Right up at the front of the class. She said she wasn't afraid of Belgarath because she'd always treated him with respect. And she muttered something about chocolate. I'm not sure." Zandara answered her.

"Dryads and chocolate." Tiffany shook her head. She went silent as Belgarath walked into the hall. Dressed in a ragged tunic, with mismatched shoes, he seemed friendly enough. But Tiffany was no longer trusting in 'seemed'.

"Welcome to Basic Storytelling" Belgarath began. His voice was cheerful and his eyes bright. "I've been waiting for this for quite a while. Now I know that most of you don't think that you need to pay attention, since you are all storytellers of one type or another. Right?" He looked out at the students kindly. There were some small chuckles and murmurs of agreement.

"WRONG!" Belgarath bellowed, his bemused face darkening and becoming full of threats. "In this room are some of the architects of the worst travesties ever told! And do you know why? Because you have no concept of how a story is told. Why a story is told. Characters, a plot, time lines, these mean nothing to you!" Tiffany was aware of a rumble of thunder, and was not sure if it came from inside the hall or out.

Belgarath began to pace across the lecture platform. "It took me a while to decide where to begin this course. However, you will now be in this class, every day, for as long as it takes. You may not be happy about it, but you will learn at least a modicum of the storyteller's craft. Any questions?" He whirled around, facing the class. There was silence.

"Fine. Now to begin. You!" His arm shot up, and pointed to a large Cherek boy in the front row. "Why do we tell stories?"

"For the honor and glory of Aloria, Ancient Belgarath!" The boy shouted, leaping to his feet. Belgarath looked at him with horror.

"Did they drop you on your head, boy?" he asked, scathingly. "What's your name?"

"Benarek of Cherek, Ancient One!" the boy shouted again. His long blond braids hung below his shoulders, and his leather jerkin smelled faintly rusty.

"Benarek. Right. The owner of the singing sword that put fear into the hearts of the thousands of Nissans you've slaughtered. Learn the name of the enemy first, boy. Oh, sit down." Belgarath muttered, dismissively. Looking around the class, he pointed to an Algar. For a moment Tiffany thought it was Cho-Ram, then realized this Algar wore his scalp lock on the other side of his head. He also looked like he could use a shave.

"Algars don't tell stories, Ancient One, we live them."The boy said, with a smirk.

Belgarath smiled back at the boy, and chuckled. "Of course. The quiet Algar. Name, boy?"

"Hardir"

"Hardir, the Bard of Algar." The boy's face fell. "The author of the horrible horse poem. Let's see how you like sleeping with the horses for a while, shall we." Belgarath rolled his eyes. "Alorns." he muttered.

Tiffany saw with horror that not only was Xynthie in the front row, but she was now raising a tentative hand.

"Yes?" Belgarath asked.

"We tell stories for fun, Ancient One." she said calmly.

"For fun?"

"Yes, for fun. At least I do. Or did, before I ended up in this place, shrunk down to half my normal size and . . . "

"Fine." Belgarath said, "I will accept that we tell stories for fun. For entertainment. Occasionally to instruct. But let's start out with these fun stories. Tell me, my dear, who gets to enjoy them?"

"Well, whoever reads them. Or hears them." Xynthie replied. "Mostly me, because I always thought that Eriond should have a girlfriend, because everyone else got paired up or married or engaged or something, but let me tell you, since I've been here..."

Belgarath cut her off again. "Xynthie, isn't it? Well, Xynthie, what would be the difference between a story you tell to yourself and one that you share with others?"

Xynthie looked puzzled. "I, I don't know, Ancient One." she said.

Belgarath looked at her. "Of course you don't." He sighed, and then his arm came up again. Tiffany was horrified to see him pointing at Polamber. "You!" he shouted.

Polamber paled. "I'm not sure."she stammered. "I would put all my friends in a story I was going to share, I guess."

"THE DIFFERENCE" Belgarath roared, "is that a story you tell to yourself is a daydream, and it doesn't matter what it is. What you tell to others, or expect them to read, is a story. A tale, a chronicle, a yarn, call it what you will. And in a story, it matters. There is an art to crafting a story. There are rules. Even if you only wish to tell tales as a hobby, each one should be created with at least an attempt at competence." As he thundered at the class, he resumed his pacing.

"A well-told story has three basic parts. Do you understand that? Three! Does anyone care to hazard a guess as to what they are?" His eye fell on a Mimbrate girl, her tall hat quivering.

"A plot, characters, and a setting?"she asked, looking terrified.

"Nice try, my dear. No, the basic parts of a tale are, a beginning, a middle and an end. Got that? Something happens in the beginning to start the story. During the middle, the problem, experience, whatever is dealt with. At the end, wrap it up. Three basic parts. Does everyone understand that?"

There were nods among the students, and some puzzled looks. Belgarath looked at a Drasnian girl who was raising her hand. "But Belgarath, whatever happens, just kind of happens. I mean, the middle is the middle, even if nothing is going on."

Belgarath smiled, and Tiffany realized for the first time, that she had seen that smile on Polgara's face during sorcery class. "And you are?" he asked the girl.

"Lallette." she answered him.

"Yes, I remember your finest effort, about shopping in Boktor, for the perfect dress. Didn't you realize that 14 chapters of you and your friends talking about Drasnian princes was a little much? You can help me demonstrate, my dear." Lallette found herself beside Belgarath.

"Class, this is the beginning." Lallette was suddenly transported to the ceiling of the hall. "Lallette is beginning to fall." Very slowly the girl started moving toward the floor. "Now," Belgarath continued, "Lallette is in the middle of her fall. She is falling. Something is happening." The dark-haired Drasnian started to speed up. "When she hits the floor," Belgarath went on, "the fall will be over. She may be injured, she may be dead. Whichever way it ends, it will be finished. Now do you understand?" His last word was punctuated by the thud of Lallette hitting the platform. No more hands were raised.

"Fine. For tomorrow's class, I want a list of 50 examples of beginning, middle and end. Don't make it complicated. Practice, people. Class dismissed." He stepped over the motionless form of Lallette, and left the room.

Tiffany looked at Polamber and Zandara. They both recognized the silence. Why had they ever thought that Belgarath was less ruthless than his daughter?


	12. Monster Mash

Chapter 12

**Monster Mash**

When Professor Hebbes walked into the office, he was somewhat disconcerted to find Miz Iz hanging by her knees from a bar on the ceiling. She was apparently doing upside down sit-ups. As usual, the music blared. Kansas, this time. He looked around for Poldra, but she was nowhere to be seen.

"Tiny!" he yelled. "What in the name of the seven gods are you doing?"

"Hebbie!" she yelled back, "thank goodness you're here. I got stuck. Give us a hand, will ya?"

Shaking his head, Professor Hebbes walked over and calmly lifted her down. Miz Iz turned the music down, and flopped in her chair.

"Remind me not to do that again." she said, gulping at a bottle of water. Instead of her usual kilt and combat boots she was wearing exercise tights and a sports bra.

"What gives?" he asked her.

"Poldra got over her crying jag. She's a little snappy right now. So when she threw me on the practice mat the first three out of five, I decided to do a little more working out. But then I got a cramp, and well, you saw the rest. Let's face it, I'm not seventeen anymore."

"You might want to cut down on the cigarettes. Besides, don't you get enough of a workout with me?"

She shook her head. "Not the same, Hebbie. Anyway, with all this paperwork, I'm getting cabin fever. Just look at it all"

He glanced at the desk, with it's litter of paper. "Yes, I can see that you've been working hard" he remarked sarcastically.

"Silly," she said, playfully smacking his arm, "you're the organizational genius around here. You'd be in charge, if you weren't so charming. The students are already all over you. Me, I'm the nasty one."

"Not so's you'd notice." he remarked to the ceiling. "Anyway, let's get down to business shall we? What I want to know is should we save the pig from the minis? They are determined to make her into bacon."

Miz Iz lit a cigarette and smiled. "Not yet."

Tiffany let out a scream that sent Polamber clambering up to the top of her dresser. Cyralyn and Zandara came crashing into the room. Tiffany continued to scream at the top of her lungs.

"What is it?" Cyralyn yelled over the noise. Zandara faced Tiffany and shook her. Xynthie poked her head in the doorway.

"What in the seven hells is going on?" she yelled.

Tiffany continued her hysterics, while Polamber pointed to the bed. "Under there!" she shrieked. "She was looking under the bed!"

Cyralyn lifted the blanket to get a look under the bed. "There's a mini under here!" she screeched, scrambling backward.

Xynthie wasted no time. She flew and Tiffany and applied a few slaps to her face. "Knock it off," she hollered at Polamber.. "You want the same?" Polamber and Cyralyn suddenly became silent. Tiffany was now sobbing into Zandara's shoulder.

"Monsters under the bed. For the love of Mike." Xynthie said, reaching for the sword Tiffany was supposed to be practicing with. She could barely lift it. She dragged it to the bed and started poking underneath it.

"Are you crazy!" Polamber shouted. "That's a mini-eldrak!"

"This," Xynthie commented, continuing to try and flush out the mini, "is the Goddess of Angrak. I've already chased her out of my bathtub. She was hiding from Poldra behind the shower curtain. Honestly, don't you guys keep up with the news around here?"

The other girls looked at her in horror. "You chased her out?" Zandara asked in a quiet voice.

Xynthie let out a sigh and gave up her jabbing. She put down the sword, lay down on the bed, and hung her head down to look underneath. "Yep, it's the Goddess. Listen," she addressed the mini, you can stay under there for now, but no more scaring people." A pathetic yip answered her. "I'm going to tell them what's going on. If you come out after me, I'm going straight to Poldra. Got it?" There was a rustle, a growl, and a small yelp of agreement.

The Dryad sat up and looked at the girls. "What?" she asked.

"You do know that's a mini, right?" Zandara asked dryly.

"We're in some unusual circumstances here." Xynthie replied. "You know how Poldra's been going soft lately? Well, that's due to Gandlad preferring the Goddess here," she gave the mattress a poke, "to herself. I don't pretend to know what goes on in the impassioned heart of the eldrakyn in love, but Poldra seems to have decided that the best way to get Gandlad for herself it to kill the Goddess. Or at least to maim her beyond recognition. And the only thing that scares a mini is another mini with a vendetta. Thus we have the Goddess hiding anywhere she can, and Gandlad's making himself scarce."

"You're kidding, right?" Polamber asked, going pale.

"Nope, I saw part of the drama this morning. Gandlad and the Goddess were tearing after a bear in the forest. Poldra dropped out of nowhere, landed on the Goddess and tried to tear her horns off. Gandlad started burning a little brighter, some of the trees started smoldering and then Poldra hissed at him." Somehow, the thought of Poldra hissing sent chills down the girls' spines.

"What happened then?" Cyralyn asked from the top of the dresser she was sharing with Polamber.

"Gandlad backed down. The Goddess was fighting for her life." A small whimper came from under the bed. "She's good, but no match for Poldra in this mood. Anyway, it might have ended right then, but Belding showed up." Xynthie gave a shudder at the memory.

"I don't speak mini, but I think he was reading them the riot act. Poldra turned on him, and the Goddess wriggled out of the choke hold she was in. She and Gandlad took off in an awful hurry. Then Belding and Poldra hissed, spit and swore at each other for a while. I don't know what Belding told her, but she finally left and went looking for the other two. Belding muttered to himself for a while, then he left. And when I got back to my room, there was the Goddess in my tub. I just had to mention Poldra, and she snuck out, and down the hall. I guess this is where she went."

"What on earth were you doing in the forest?" Zandara asked her. Tiffany had stopped sobbing and was looking a Xynthie with a mixture of respect and incredulity.

"Well," Xynthie said, blushing a little, "if you must know, I was up a tree. Don't laugh. I'm a Dryad, and I thought maybe I should see if I could hear the tree."

"Did it work?" Zandara asked, plainly interested.

"I think it was starting to, when the chaos broke out. But I'll tell you something weird. I'm not afraid of the forest anymore."

"Excuse me for breaking up this fascinating conversation," Polamber interjected, "but how are we going to get the Goddess out from under the bed." They all looked at her.

"She can't stay here." Polamber said, firmly. "I'm not sharing a room with that horror, even if she's hiding. Besides, what if Poldra finds her in here?"

The blood drained from Tiffany's face. She had begun to feel a bit responsible for this whole torrid situation. If she had bothered to check on how to spell Angarak, the Goddess wouldn't be here, Gandlad might well have fallen for Poldra instead, and she would not be stuck in this predicament. A vision of a blood maddened mini-eldrak tearing the room and all it's occupants apart in her rage swam before her eyes.

"We need a plan." Cyralyn said.

All eyes turned to Zandara. She sighed. "Okay, this is what we'll do.

Poldra terrorized the campus all day. Lessons were interrupted by her breaking into locked classrooms and pulling chalkboards off the walls. The sound of her claws on the blackboard sent scores of fainting Mimbrate girls to the infirmary. Lunch was interrupted by a fiery flash as Gandlad ran through the dining hall, setting the dessert table on fire. Xynthie was incensed.

Miz Iz responded to the panicked pleas of the students by telling them to mind their own business. The minis would sort themselves out, she had said. And then, with that terrifying look of hers, she asked for volunteers to reason with Poldra. Complaints had died away after that. Students were now flocking to Professor Hebbes, who seemed to be an island of calm. He was surrounded by a throng wherever he went. Polamber had attached herself to him early in the day, and regaled the girls at dinner with her observations about his kindness and his hair.

Tiffany told Polamber that she felt Professor Hebbes' main role in life was to talk Miz Iz out of some of her more calculated mayhem. And then Zandara had stunned them all by sedately announcing that she had improved their plan for the Goddess. As she outlined the amendments, they had looked at her in horror.

Later that night, the girls gathered in Polamber and Tiffany's room. Xynthie was on her knees by the bed, trying to coax the Goddess out with pieces of bacon. "It's okay", she murmured, "we're going to take you somewhere safe." A quiet chirping came from under the bed.

"She's not listening to reason." Zandara told Cyralyn as she arrived with a wheeled laundry hamper.

Polamber was white with fear and muttering. "It's not going to work, Poldra's going to kill us all".

"What happens if Poldra finds us?" Tiffany asked Zandara.

"I've got a decoy set up. Don't worry, it's the one place Poldra would never think to look."

"This is ridiculous!" Xynthie exclaimed. Her voice dropped to a harsh whisper. "Now lookit, Goddess, you are coming out of there right now!" The bed vibrated with a low rumble.

"Don't give me that!" Xynthie told her. "You come out right now and get in this laundry hamper or I'm marching myself right down to Poldra this second and telling her where you are. You can't take all of us out before someone yells. This whole campus would love to get this over with. I missed my dessert because of you!" A feeble yip answered her.

"Oh wouldn't I?"

A worn and bedraggled mini crawled out from under the bed. Cyralyn tentatively pushed the laundry hamper towards her. A look from Xynthie convinced the beaten down Goddess to climb into it. Xynthie then piled dirty towels on top of her.

"I can't believe how you talk to her." Tiffany told her, with admiration. Xynthie shrugged.

"Now, Polamber, you stay in the hall and keep an eye on the stairs. If you see anything, yell." Zandara said, starting to push the laundry cart.

"Oh, I'll yell, don't you worry." Polamber said, sarcastically. The other girls continued down the hall, out the door and around to the kitchens. Leaving Cyralyn as lookout, they quietly made their way through the building.

Tiffany made a quick reconnaissance of the kitchen. There was no one there. Once they had gone through the double doors, Xynthie let out a sigh of relief. Then she jumped as she heard a noise. Her back hit the stove.

"Ow!" she yelped. A muffled growl came from the cart. Zandara took command.

"Shush!" she hissed at the laundry. "Are you okay?" she asked Xynthie softly.

"It's hot!" Xynthie whispered back. "I wasn't expecting that."

"I'm just on my way to the dorm with some clean bedding." A male voice came through the dark room.A tall boy started towards them with an identical cart. Tiffany thought he walked with a bit of a limp.

"It's okay, Ram-Dorn. It's only us." Zandara whispered into the darkness. The tall Algar pushed his hamper towards them.

"Ram-Dorn?" Xynthie exclaimed. "What's he doing here?"

"He's our decoy. You can kill him later." Zandara said. "Now be quiet, while I check the stove. You're right, it is hot. I wonder..." She opened the door. A sheet of flame shot out. Tiffany saw a bit of a wing, glowing. Zandara slammed the door.

"Is that..." Tiffany started.

There was a crash from the dining room. "Okay, Ram-Dorn, you're on. Good luck."

He made his way through the double doors and called out loudly, "Good evening, Poldra, Miz Iz.. I'm just taking some clean bedding back to the dorm. Yes, Professor Hebbes okayed it earlier."

"Move!" Zandara hissed, pushing the hamper so hard Xynthie fell into it. There was a muted grunt from the Goddess. The girls ran through the rest of the kitchen, and into the adjoining laundry facilities. While Zandara started filling a washing machine with the towels, Xynthie grabbed the Goddess. Tiffany had already started prying a board from a small hole in the wall. As soon as she had uncovered the opening, Xynthie pushed the mini into it. She stuck her head in afterwards.

"Stay put." Tiffany heard her tell the Goddess. "She won't look here." She pulled her head out, and helped Tiffany replace the board.

Poldra and Miz Iz bashed into the room just as Xynthie finished spilling fabric softener on the floor.

Poldra growled suspiciously. Miz Iz seemed to take in the scene with remarkable calm. Zandara looked up at her.

"Aren't you finished yet?" Miz Iz asked her.

"Just putting in the last load now."

"Well, it seems to have been a night for laundry. Xynthie, I expect that mess to be cleaned up immediately."

"Yes, ma'm." Xynthie replied meekly.

Miz Iz turned to Poldra. "You look worn out, luvy. Why don't you head back to the bell tower? I can handle this on my own. You've had quite a day." Poldra chirped and headed back through the door. Miz Iz came closer to the girls.

"This is it," thought Tiffany, "we're busted." But Miz Iz smiled. Not her horrifying smile, but an actual one that reached her eyes.

"Nice work, girls." she murmured softly. "You have learned an important lesson about why the Bel/Mal universe works the way it does. Zandara, putting the Goddess in Poldra's old den was a stroke of genius. And your Algar did well. He almost had me believing that he was on laundry duty." She looked significantly at Xynthie.

"Now, get this cleaned up, and back to your rooms. Don't forget to round up your lookouts. Goodnight, girls." She turned on her heel and strode out of the room.

As always, after a run in with Miz Iz, Tiffany felt confused. What had they learned?


	13. Birds & Bees

Chapter 13

A/N: This chapter deals with frank discussion of sexuality, including male pregnancy.

Birds and Bees

Professor Hebbes came into Miz Iz's office with some trepidation. Poldra had been ringing the bells in the tower all morning, causing some of the more high strung students to have partial nervous breakdowns. Then suddenly it had stopped. Despite the several hours quiet respite, Professor Hebbes was worried about the raging mini-eldrak.

Miz Iz was under the desk. From her muttered curses, Professor Hebbes decided that whatever she was doing was giving her trouble. She backed out, and he saw the new tattoo on her shoulder.

"Tiny, you do know that Ryder tattooed an anchor on your back, right?" he asked.

She popped her head up and looked at him. "Very funny, Hebbie. It's part of my family crest. Quite spiffy, I think." She craned her head around, trying to see it. "The anchor means hope, the cross means faith, the red bend means protection, and the horseshoes on the bend are for luck, which I need in this place."

"What's the Vegas showgirl on the top for?" he asked dryly.

She looked at him, then laughed. "Okay, it's really an ostrich, but I like pink. So I got Ryder to make it a little more feminine for me. Don't laugh. The ostrich is for 'willing obedience'."

He snorted. "You don't have an obedient bone in your body." He moved a pile of paper off his chair and sat down.

She sat down at her desk and reached for her cup of coffee. She drank it down and made a face. "Cold again." She muttered. "So what's up today, Hebbie?"

"First, how's Poldra? Has she calmed down any? I mean, I'm glad she's not riding the bells like Quasimodo anymore, but what's next?"

"Don't worry. She's at Ryder's. Tank's bringing her back later on."

"You left her at the tattoo parlor? Are you insane?" He shook his head, "No, of course you are. But what's she doing there?"

"I took her with me. She decided that a few tribal markings would look good, so she got some Celtic work done on her face." Miz Iz was searching through the piles on her desk as she spoke, and missed the look of horror that crossed Professor Hebbes face at the thought of a decorated Poldra.

"But why is Tank bringing her back?" he asked, still horrified.

"What did I do with the kitchen estimates? What, Tank? Aren't you listening to me? Tank did the work on her face, and they're going out to get something to eat. Then they'll go for a ride on the chopper, and if I know Tank, Poldra will be so drunk by the time she gets home that she'll pass out. Nothing to worry about. Ah, here it is." She pulled out the folder she wanted.

Professor Hebbes covered his eyes with his hand. "Tiny, you set Poldra, who is hell bent for blood, up with Tank? That's the biggest recipe for disaster I've ever heard."

" I didn't set them up, although it would be a step up for Tank, did you see his last woman?" She shook her head. "Poldra needed a day out, and Tank likes her. She thinks he's cute, but nothing will come of it, she's on the rebound. And it will keep those girls from bothering me, while we try to get through the budget estimates. You worry too much."

Thinking of all the times he had heard that from her, Professor Hebbes just looked at her. Then he picked up the folder.

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"Why on earth do we have to take Medicine?" Tiffany asked. She, Zandara and Xynthie were on their way to the lecture hall for a seminar by Polgara titled "Birds and Bees."

"It's not like we need to know all this stuff" Xynthie sniffed. She was a little crabby from lack of sleep, and was hoping if they sat in the back she might get a nap in during the seminar. The ringing bells had banished all sleep for her.

"By the way, Zandara, have you figured out what it is we learned yet? I can't come up with a thing." Tiffany asked her friend.

Zandara shook her head. "I think I'm starting to get around the edges of it, but it's going to take a bit. Just keep quiet about the whole thing, will you? I don't want an angry Poldra after me."

"Okay, but let me know what you come up with." Tiffany told her.

The girls made their way to the lecture hall. As was usual when Polgara was teaching, the back rows were completely filled, with many empty seats in the front rows. Zandara sighed and took her seat, searching her memory for anything she might have written regarding biology that would set Polgara off. She couldn't think of anything. Tiffany was not worried, her crimes were more in the theological realm than the physical, and Xynthie was too tired to care where she sat. The hall became silent as Polgara walked in, with Taiba, Relg's Marag wife. The dark-haired woman sat gracefully down, as Polgara walked up to the lectern and began.

"This class," she said, with a hint of a smile, "is to clarify a few points regarding the mechanics of sexuality." She looked around the room, as if daring anyone to giggle. There wasn't a sound.

"This is not a class on ethics or morality, I will leave that to Uncle Beldin" There was a retching sound from near the door. Polgara ignored it and went on.

"I find that I am completely amazed at some of the nonsensical ideas that some of you not only have, but perpetuate in your stories. Such ignorance cannot continue. So we shall start at the beginning. Please pay close attention. There will be a practical exam at the end of the class." A muted rumble went through the students. "Get your minds out of the gutter!" Polgara snapped.

Polgara explained the basic functions of the male reproductive system, and then went on to the female. Using brightly colored overheads, she explained ovulation, menstruation, and the fertile period. There were a few coughs at her blunt language, and one of the Mimbrate girls fainted dead away when Polgara put up an overhead of the female body. Tiffany was somewhat interested at the detail Polgara went into, but none of it was news to her. Xynthie was in a slight doze, and Zandara had taken a few notes.

"Now, concerning the mechanics of sexual activity." Polgara continued. Tiffany heard a few people shifting uncomfortably in their seats. "Most of you seem to have a fair grasp of what goes where, and how. Some of the positions that have been described would seem to be, at the least, uncomfortable, but plausible. However, there are a few misconceptions out there that need to be clarified. For example." She put a new overhead up. "This is a man with an eighteen-inch penis." There were screams in the Mimbrate crowd, and three more tall hats fell over. "Wake them up!" Polgara snapped. "There's at least one in that bunch that needs to hear this." Then she turned her attention to the group of Alorn boys whooping in the back row. She narrowed her eyes.

"Yes, you'll do." She made a small gesture, and a tall Cherek with bright red braids stood beside her. "You are Danen, correct?" she asked him. He blushed and nodded.

"Wonderful. Now, Danen, you believe that size of the penis is the most important factor in sex?" He stammered, and she waved at him to be quiet. "Yes, of course you do." She rolled her eyes up and muttered "Alorns."

"Well, Danen, congratulations. You now have the same endowment as the gentleman in the example." Tiffany watched in fascinated horror as Danen turned an even brighter shade of red.

"Don't worry, boy, I don't plan to expose you to the class. They will take my word for it. Won't you?" Her gaze crossed the room, daring anyone to disagree with her. There was another thud as yet another Mimbrate girl lost consciousness.

"Now, Danen, this is what happens when a male with an eighteen-inch penis becomes aroused. Please note, class that Danen's face is becoming pale as blood rushes to the organ. As it becomes filled with blood," she paused. Danen slowly lost all color to his face and then fell down on the floor, unconscious. "There we have it. The blood demand is just too great. More is not necessarily better. Now, moving on."

Tiffany listened with growing apprehension as Polgara outlined arousal, orgasm, birth control and lubrication in a voice that sounded like someone reading stereo instructions. Danen finally woke up and red faced, made his way back to his seat. Polgara didn't even glance at him as he went. Xynthie poked her and smiled.

"Before I bring on Taiba, our guest speaker this class, I want to say a few words about pre-menstrual syndrome. This condition does not give a person licence to wantonly kill people, alternate between crying jags and hysterical laughter, or to be rude. If you must make a character behave badly, have her suffer the consequences, not blame it on her hormones. Pre-menstrual syndrome can be controlled with exercise, with rest, or with medication if necessary. Many, many women suffer this condition, and you make a mockery of them when some bubble-headed piece of fluff says "oh, aren't I a bitch?"

Tiffany looked at her watch as Taiba came up to take her place beside Polgara. There was still quite a bit of time left, and she was frightened that she knew what was coming.

"Pregnancy and childbirth." Taiba began, in a weary voice. "Were you found under rocks? Pregnancy lasts nine months, and no, Garion can't use the orb to make it go faster. These things take time. Pregnancy does not make you into a hysterical imbecile. Pregnancy is a natural condition that comes as a result of all the delightful things Polgara has been instructing you on. Yes, there are hormonal changes, but that does not make you cry for six months, or eat nothing but chocolate and smoked oysters. Most pregnancies are quite uneventful, and involve a lot of waiting. Learn to knit. Decorate a room. Garden. Until the final stages, a woman can pretty much carry on with her normal activities." She smiled, and then sighed.

"That being said, there are a few things I would like to point out, before explaining childbirth. Morning sickness may be your first symptom of pregnancy, but not the second you conceive. A missed period may be just that, a missed period. There are no Wegmans' in our world, and Silk will not go to get you a home pregnancy test. You cannot feel an embryo the size of a grain of rice kick. I don't care how thin you are. And when your breasts hurt, you really don't want anyone playing with them. Any questions?" There were none. Taiba went on, with the help of overheads, to describe the process of pregnancy, a few complications, and then childbirth. With her last words. "It hurts like hell, and you'll look and feel like you've gone 10 rounds with a prize fighter. There are no epidurals in our world.", Tiffany began to relax. Perhaps she had been worried about nothing.

Polgara thanked Taiba, who sat down again. Tiffany looked at her watch, and started. There was still too much time left. Polgara wouldn't really, would she?

Polgara brought out her overhead of the male reproductive system again, and turned to the class. Tiffany was frozen with horror.

"Now, take a good look, people." She said. "Do you see a uterus anywhere in this diagram? Anyone see one?" There was complete silence in the hall. "There's a very good reason for that. Men do not have uteri. It is a female organ. There are no special cases. Males do not have a vagina either. No birth canal. Understood?"

"This is a problem that seems to be sneaking through fandom randomly. I'm not sure where it began, but it seems to be a problem that the Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth really has to deal with. I intend to nip it in the bud. Now, for the practical exam I was speaking of earlier. Yes, now where are they?" She sought out three individuals, one Tolnedran girl, an Angarak girl, and a Nyissan boy, with shaved head.

"Now," she began, but the Nyissan was already weeping. The girls seemed to be in better shape. Zandara leaned forward, and even Xynthie was wide awake.

"Male pregnancy is a complicated thing, so we shall deal with each problem separately. Yes, I understand that two of our volunteers are female. That will be the first thing." As the class watched in fright, the girls became male. Polgara looked at them and then nodded. The Tolnedran was white, and the Angarak's eyes were wide.

"Now, let's see. All three of you will need some kind of artificial womb." Polgara narrowed her eyes and moved her hand slightly. "And then the hormones, of course." The Angarak broke into a sweat, and the Tolnedran joined the Nyissan in weeping. "Quite a mixture in there, isn't it. Now, for the final part."

Zandara jumped to her feet. "Lady Polgara, no!" she yelled. "You can't make them pregnant. It's not right."

Tiffany gasped, and Xynthie clutched Zandara's arm. Polgara looked calmly at Zandara.

"I said before, this is not a class about ethics. They will not be pregnant, but their bodies will simulate all the changes. The false pregnancy will continue until its inevitable conclusion, when they will not deliver a child, but a simulacrum. A mass the size and shape of a child."

The Angarak girl, now a pregnant male, looked at Polgara and said in a choked voice, "Deliver how?"

"Well, we haven't decided yet. Either cesarean section, or through the only other opening available to males. However, you must remember that cesarean section does not have a great survival record in our world."

"For our next class, we will be discussing wounds. I believe Barak will be our guest speaker." And with that Polgara dismissed her class.


	14. Polamber Saves The Day

Chapter 14

Polamber Saves The Day

A/N: I'm back! Please forgive the horrible delay. I shall do my utmost to finish this, and thanks for not giving up on it.

Poldra was dancing on the desk when Professor Hebbes entered the office. Since her date with Tank, her mood had improved considerably. She had taken to wearing an old Steppenwolf bandana around her horns, and was listening to Guns N' Roses almost constantly. Her new facial markings made her look more ferocious than ever, and she had slammed Cherec into the dishwasher for making appreciative growling noises at her.

Miz Iz was on top of her chair, rummaging through her bookshelf. Professor Hebbes waved a sheaf of notes at her, and yelled to get her attention. She looked at him, and hollered at Poldra to turn down the CD. The mini did, with a snarl.

"Later, lovie. The paperwork calls again. Why don't you go strike some terror somewhere?" Poldra hopped off the desk and happily headed out of the room.

"What are you looking for?" Professor Hebbes asked, pushing some clutter off the couch and taking a seat.

"'Where The Wild Things Are'," she said, getting off her chair, and sitting in it. She lit a cigarette and glanced at him. "Don't look at me like that, Poldra wants some fashion tips. To her, they all look like models."

Professor Hebbes laughed at that, and looked at his notes. "I see that you're planning to drag them all off to the Stronghold next week. Don't you think they should learn how to ride first?"

She blew smoke rings at him. "Nope. Be good for them. Nothing like saddle sores to make them appreciate horses. What's next?"

He looked at her fondly. "So are you riding to the Stronghold with them?" he asked slyly.

"Are you kidding? I know my limitations, my friend. Poldra talked Tank into letting us use the chopper. We'll meet you there." She reached for her coffee, and finding her cup empty, headed for the pot on the hotplate. "Anything else?"

"I did notice you ordered quite a few more medical supplies. Anything unusual happing this week?" he asked, flipping through his papers.

"Not really, Poledra's teaching her monster class, and since she's more of a hands on instructor, I just thought we should be ready."

"Zandara, I'm scared. Monsters are a big thing. How bad, I mean, really, how bad is Poledra going to be?" Tiffany asked, tying her hair back in a braid. Since they had started learning hand to hand combat, she'd found it easier that way. Nothing for Xynthie to grab handfuls of that way.

"I wish I could reassure you on this, Tiff, but I think it's going to be worse than you think. Poledra has definite ideas on how to learn, and experience is high on her list." Zandara was checking the knives she'd borrowed from one of the Nadrak girls and put in her belt.

They met up with Xynthie, Gil, and Polamber in a grassy clearing. Little knots of students milled about, waiting for the instructor. Tiffany was not sure if she should be relieved or alarmed that most of the students were armed. Weapons classes had been frightening. Xynthie couldn't lift a sword and had started using a quarterstaff instead. Polamber had decided throwing knives would be best for her, and had managed to nick Ram-Dorn in the ear before having them taken away from her. Now she had a short sword, and everyone knew to give her plenty of room when she tried to unsheathe it.

Gil had surprised them all, giving them a display of archery that had won approval from Barak. She explained that archery was one sport she was good at, and had spent a lot of time practicing on the "outside".

Tiffany had been drawn to an Ulgo knife, and was able to wield it without too much damage to herself. The first day Polgara had assured her that the stitches would heal without a great deal of a scarring.

None of the students noticed when Poledra, in her wolf form, made her way to the center of the clearing. She let them continue talking for a few moments, and then changed to her human shape.

"Well, we all seem to be here," she said, quietly. The quality of her voice made every person there turn and face her.

"This class deals with monsters. Eldrakyn, Dyrads, Dragons and so on." Xynthie stood as tall as she could and waved her hand.

"Excuse me, Lady Poledra?" she began, "I'm a Dryad. Will I have to fight off the rest of the class today?" Poledra looked at her with golden eyes. She gave her a slight smile.

"Not today, I think. Now, there are really only two things you need to know about fighting monsters. First, keep hitting it until it's dead. Second, teamwork is important. Today we'll start with something easy. Divide into groups of six please."

Already having five in their group, the girls looked around. Zandara waved Ram-Dorn over to them. Xynthie looked daggers at her. Since their rescue of the Goddess, she was slightly less aggressive towards the tall Algar, but was still holding her grudge. Ram-Dorn joined them somewhat warily, wondering if she would remember what Poledra had said about teamwork.

"All together then?" Poledra asked calmly. "Fine. Today you will be fighting Hrulgin. Please continue until you have finished it off. You may begin." She reverted to her wolf form and curled up, ready, it seemed, to nap through the rest of the lesson.

Tiffany screamed as a wild beast, reminiscent of a horse, but armed with claws and fangs appeared before them. The multitude of screams around her told her she was not unique in her response. The beast reared up before them, and she heard Gil's bowstring twang.

"Don't just stand there, kill it!" Gil screamed, as her arrow missed the Hrulga's head.

"We need a plan!" Tiffany yelled, pulling out her Ulgo knife. "Zandara, a plan!"

"Hit it until it falls down!" Zandara shrieked back. "That's the best I can do." She approached the animal cagily, a knife in each hand. Xynthie waded in and began striking the creature on the legs, howling with every strike. Polamber had her sword out, and was dodging the front legs. Ram-Dorn held his sabre loosely, crouched down, trying to aim a blow at the beast's neck. Gil succeeded in planting an arrow in the Hrulga's flank, but that only maddened it.

The long limbs, tipped with razor claws, seemed to be everywhere, and the fangs kept snapping. Tiffany felt the teeth close down on her braid, and pulled her head frantically. Zandara made a swipe with her knife and Tiffany's head came free. Ram-Dorn landed a blow on the creature's shoulder, and Xynthie was landing blows with something like regularity on its' sides.

Suddenly, the animal was down. Evading the flailing legs, Ram-Dorn swept in and delivered a deep blow to the creature's neck as Gil sent another arrow into it's ear. Xynthie's staff cracked across it's skull as Tiffany and Zandara plunged their knives into it's body. The beast shivered once and was still. They had done it. Panting, adrenaline pumping in their veins, they let out a ragged chorus of cheers. Xynthie continued to swing her staff until she caught Ram-Dorn on the side of the head, sending him to his knees. She was instantly contrite, apologizing, rubbing his head. He seemed grateful that she hadn't done it on purpose. As soon as she realized what she was doing, she stopped, but she didn't hit him again.

Zandara was bent over, breathing heavily. "What," she panted, "made it go down?" The group looked at each other. Polamber, standing at the rear of the creature laughed.

"Honestly," she said, smiling at them, "didn't any of you see Return of the King? I hamstrung it."

They all looked at her in disbelief. Polamber had a habit of looking for the easiest solution to a problem, and today it had worked for all of them. Looking at each other sheepishly, they all began to laugh.

"Now, why didn't you think of that?" Gil asked Zandara, trying to pull her arrow out of the Hrulga's head.

"I was too busy trying to keep Tiff's head on her shoulders," she laughed. "Sorry about your hair."

Tiffany reached back for her braid. It wasn't there. She saw it hanging out of the dead beast's mouth. She sighed. "Oh well, it could have been much worse, I guess. Nice shooting, Gil."

"Thanks," she said. Polamber looked at her strangely.

"I know who you are," she said, suddenly. "You're Megan, aren't you?"

Zandara shot her a look. "Polamber, this is Gil! Understand? Gil? We don't know where Megan is."

Polamber looked puzzled for a moment, then brightened. "Got it! Okay, Gil. Nice to have you on our team."

Poledra came over to them, looking at the dead Hrulga appreciatively. "Nice work," she told them. "Did you want to eat any of it?"

"No, thank you," a horrified Xynthie told her. "Did we pass the class, Lady Poledra?"

Poledra looked around to where other groups were struggling with their beasts, some students yelling orders that others were paying no attention to. "You've done well enough. You are dismissed. Perhaps you would like to have your wounds attended to?"

They left, grateful that they did not have to butcher it as well.


	15. Why did it have to be horses?

Chapter 15

When Professor Hebbes entered the clutter of the office, Poldra roared at him from the top of the cabinet. He stared at her for a moment, noticing that she was sporting a ring through her nose, as well as the tattoos on her face. Perched high, she was yipping excitedly at him. He could barely hear her over the music. Poldra was now working her way through the classics, and had developed a fondness for Bob Marley. Miz Iz charged into the room behind him, late again.

"What's she saying?" Professor Hebbes asked, as Miz Iz hit the volume control, and Poldra jumped down onto her head.

"She's trying to convince us she can drive." Miz Iz said, stoically. "I've been trying to tell her she's too short, but she won't believe me."

Professor Hebbes sighed. Life was never dull at Bel/Mal Tech, he had to give it that. Pushing piles of debris out of the way, he sat on the battered couch.

"What happened in here?" he asked, looking at the devastation. It was worse than usual, with chunks of plaster broken out of the wall.

"Mini mosh pit. Belding gave Poldra a Green Day CD he'd confiscated, and the minis went nuts. Don't worry, I've got a contractor coming in." She shook her head. "Can you believe someone thought Mandorallen would sing "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"?" Poldra started cheeping happily, and Professor Hebbes looked at her in astonishment.

"I didn't know you could sing, Poldra!" he told her. She looked at him in contentment, and hopped from Miz Iz's head to the desk. Taking a coffee cup, she leapt to the floor, and headed out of the room. They watched her go with amusement.

"It's nice to have her in a good mood again, Tiny," Professor Hebbes said, looking through the clutter for a clean cup. Miz Iz found one and handed it to him.

"For now," she replied. "I have a feeling round two with the Goddess is coming up." She leaned back in her chair and put her boots on the desk. "So are you ready to ride herd to the Stronghold?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tiffany and Zandara looked at the small herd of horses before them. Neither had ridden before, although they had featured horses quite prominently in their stories. Judging from the comments around them, none of the other students had either.

"This is going to be fun." Polamber said, coming up behind them. "I love horses."

"You know how to ride?" Tiffany asked her, hoping for some pointers.

"Well, no, but I had a boyfriend with a motorcycle once. How hard can it be? You hop on, the horse walks, you go with it."

"Why do we ask you for advice?" Zandara asked, shaking her head. "You have the most bizarre attitude to this whole place. Have you learned anything yet?"

"Sure I have. I've learned to go with my instincts. How about you?"

Zandara's reply was interrupted by Xynthie coming up to them. Her wild red curls were bundled up in a head scarf, and she had stout hiking boots on. Her backpack was bright red and she wore dark sunglasses.

"What's with you?" Polamber asked.

"Not riding. I'm going to walk."

"You can't get out of this one, Xynthie. The rules say we are all to ride to the Stronghold, with an overnight camp. No exceptions."

Xynthie sighed and looked at them over the rim of her glasses. "Follow me, I want to show you something." She led them closer to the milling horses. Finding one she liked the look of, she slowly went up to it, holding out a lump of sugar in her hand. The grey beast accepted the gift, lowering it's head so she could stroke it's nose.

"What's the problem?" Zandara asked. "He likes you."

"That's not the issue. Use your eyes! I come up to his knee. How am I supposed to even get up on him? My feet won't reach the stirrups. I've thought about this, and I'm walking."

"You do seem to have a point." Tiffany told her. "I always seem to forget how small you are."

"I don't," Xynthie said ruefully.

Professor Hebbes came up to them. "We're all gathering by Hettar," he told them. "He'll being giving you instructions before we get started."

"Who are the others with him?" Polamber asked him.

"You know Vella, of course," Professor Hebbes explained, "and Mandorallen. The seedy looking fellow is a friend of Silk's, Yarblek." Zandara stared at him.

"Not the Yarblek? Hard drinking, cursing, womanizing Yarblek?" she asked. The others looked at her.

"Yes, that's him."

Zandara shuddered.

Following the professor, they walked over to where Hettar was looking at the group with a scornful expression on his face. He seemed especially put out by the Algars, Ram-Dorn among them. Yarblek was leering at Vella, who was very slowly sharpening one of her knives.

Shaking his head at the students, Hettar began to speak. "We are going to take quite a long ride. The Stronghold is two days away. Before we begin, I must inform you that these are horses. They are not cars, bikes or trains. They tire, they get hungry, and they have their own thoughts. They need to rest. And if any of you think that you can bully one into submission, think again." The Sha-Dar looked at them sternly. "They will be informing me of any abuse."

"Can they talk?" someone yelled from the back of the group. Vella chuckled under her breath, making long strokes with her whetstone.

Another voice rang out "They can to him, he's a horse lord."

"Very good." Hettar nodded. "They can indeed. Now, I want you to think of the horse you ride as a partner, not a pet. The horse is intelligent, but will require instruction from you. You just can't point it at the Stronghold and say 'go'. To begin with, everyone choose a horse. Approach it gently, speak softly." The group broke up and nervous students went gingerly towards the animals.

"Excuse me!" Xynthie said, heading towards the instructors. "I have a problem." She outlined her dilemma to Hettar, who regarded her seriously for a moment.

"You can ride," he told her. "Ce'Nedra's done it for years, and she's no bigger than you are."

"And how exactly did she get up there? A rope ladder?" Xynthie said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You're afraid," Vella said simply, putting her knife back into her boot.

Xynthie took her sunglasses off and looked at the Nadrak woman. "Of course I'm afraid!" she retorted in a harsh whisper. "What if I fall off? I'm tiny, can I control a horse? I have a great dane at home named Noodles. What if I just ride him?"

Vella looked at her for a long moment, and then laughed. "How tall are you really?" she asked.

"I'm five foot eight inches. I've never been small!" She dropped her voice even lower, causing Vella to lean in to hear her. "I feel very vulnerable around creatures this big, Vella. I'm scared."

Vella laughed and straightened up. "Okay, girl. I'll look after you. Come with me, and we'll see if Hettar has any small horses in this collection." Xynthie looked startled for a moment, and then sighing, followed Vella.

Tiffany and the other girls were having size issues of their own. "I didn't know that horses were so, well, big," she told her friends.

Polamber had chosen a light bay mare, and was speaking quietly to it.

"I don't believe it," Zandara said in a whisper to Tiffany, "Polamber choose a horse to match her hair."

Ram-Dorn was patting the nose of an enormous grey beast. Gil and Cyralan were near their horses, and Tiffany gingerly approached a light brown animal. Reaching up to pat it, she snatched her hand away when the horse snorted at her. Steeling herself, she spoke softly as she reached out her hand to the tossing head. After a moment, the horse settled down, and Tiffany was surprised to see the intelligence in the animal's eye.

Zandara found her own horse, and soon the group was paired off. Hettar looked around the group, switching riders every so often. He looked at a Cherek boy, who had chosen an animal much to small for him.

"You'll end up carrying her halfway there," he told the boy, signaling for another rider to take his place. When he was satisfied, he demonstrated how to mount. This led to mass confusion among the students.

"Left leg!" Hettar yelled at a Polamber, who had managed to get up the first time, but was now sitting backwards.

The horses conveyed their amusement to Hettar. They had been well chosen and told what to expect from this group.

After the third try, Tiffany got up, and settled herself. She looked around and saw the dryads being assisted by Vella and Professor Hebbes. Xynthie looked nervous, her black horse little bigger than a pony. Zandara looked over at her, and said something. Tiffany couldn't hear her over the noise of the class.

After a quick check by the instructors, stirrups were adjusted, and Hettar demonstrated the proper way to hold the reins and the signals to guide the horse. An Algar, looking wild around the eyes, fell off as his horse reared up.

"And that's what happens if you pull the horse's head back." Hettar continued, as the boy got back up on his mount. "Thank you for the demonstration," he called.

They slowly began to walk. The horses kept up a steady stream of complaints to Hettar, who moved around the group, advising as necessary.

At the first step the horse took, Tiffany felt frozen with fear. How could she control this animal, so much bigger than she was? What if it decided to run off? Her hands clenched the reins tightly. She bounced about in the saddle, and realized she didn't know how to move with the horse.

Professor Hebbes rode up beside her, his white animal almost as big as Mandorallen's charger.

"You need to relax," he called to her. "You're too stiff. Feel how the horse moves. Get used to it." She tried to follow his instructions and inadvertently looked down. The ground seemed a long way off.

"You're doing fine," the professor called. Slowly he talked her through, how to balance her weight, to place her feet in the stirrups. She felt the horse sigh under her. Wonderful, she thought, my horse is a comedian.

As she got used to riding, adjusting her weight, moving with the animal, she felt better. Professor Hebbes smiled at her and moved off, giving suggestions to other students.

For a while Tiffany stayed by herself, becoming more comfortable with the animal. She found herself talking to the beast. "I'm going to call you Eddie," she told it. "After Eddie Murphy". It seemed fitting to her.

Her confidence building, she guided Eddie to walk beside Polamber. She was riding easily. Tiffany shook her head in amusement at Polamber. Zandara joined them after a few moments. Eddie shook his head, and Tiffany reached down to pat his neck.

"It's not like riding the pony at the supermarket, is it?" Zandara said. Polamber looked at her and laughed.

"Sure it is. Only you don't have to keep putting in quarters."

Zandara muttered something under her breath.

When they finally stopped to make camp, Tiffany realized that her muscles were screaming at her. It had been an interesting day. A few of the Algars had decided that walking was too tame for them and had gone full gallop up a hill. Two had fallen off and one had been thrown when his horse stopped. Xynthie had stayed close to Vella, and had talked extensively with the Nadrak woman. Ram-Dorn had followed Mandorallen about, his great grey beast obviously taken with the Mimbrate's mount.

The students fell off their mounts in bunches. Before they could set up camp, Hettar had them check the horses, unsaddle them, and then sent them off. The horses, glad to be relieved of their burdens milled about happily. Tiffany gave Eddie's neck a few hard pats. Eddie, nuzzling her hair, let loose a stream of urine that splashed up on her shoes.

"Eddie, you, you, son of a ..." she started. Zandara stopped her.

"Eddie?" she asked, eyeing the horse critically.

"I just call him that. And now he's peed all over my feet!" Tiffany wailed. "I was getting the hang of this horse thing, and now this!"

"You need more practice at this horse thing," Zandara told her. "Eddie's a girl."

By the time they got their camp set up and their meal cooked, the students were dropping like flies. Groans and moans filled the air as tired and aching muscles protested at any movement.

Xynthie, however, seemed more mobile than the rest. She walked up to the others who were lying on their blankets, complaining of the pain.

"How come you can walk?" Polamber asked crossly. Xynthie sat down between her and Tiffany.

"What's that smell?" Zandara asked.

"My shoes," Tiffany told her wearily.

"No, that other smell." She looked at Xynthie. The dryad smiled, and pulled a tube out of her backpack.

"Ben-Gay," she told them. "I thought I was walking, remember." She handed the cream to the others, who gratefully slathered themselves with it.

"My ass will never be the same," Polamber moaned, shifting her weight and trying to get comfortable on her blanket.

"And it's such a nice ass, too," a masculine voice interrupted her. She rolled over to see a tall and seedy Nadrak looking at her.

"Thank you, I think," Polamber replied. Zandara looked up in alarm.

"I can help you out with that, y'know," he told Polamber. She stared at him, puzzled. He laughed at her and pulled a small flask out of the pocket of his ratty overcoat.

"No, thank you, Yarblek," Zandara said, pulling herself to her feet. "We'll be fine. I think I hear Vella calling for you."

"Another time then," he said, winking at Polamber, who giggled, to Zandara's consternation. He gave them a mock bow and ambled off. Zandara glared at Polamber.

"Why'd you send him off, Zandara? He seemed nice." Polamber said. She stretched and then winced as her sore muscles rebelled.

"That's _Yarblek_!" Zandara hissed. "He's not a nice man, by any stretch of the imagination. The last thing you need is to get mixed up with him!"

"You worry too much," the Drasnian girl told her, rolling back over. "It was only for a drink. I can take care of myself."

"Not with him," Xynthie told her. "He'd end up owning you in about twelve seconds."

"Owning her?" Tiffany asked, confused.

"Nadrak's own their women. No self respecting female would be caught without an owner. She's not a slave or anything like that. It's just a peculiarity of their culture. Vella was telling me about it while we were riding." Xynthie sighed and stretched out. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to get some sleep. Wake me up when it's my turn to stand watch."


End file.
